Lowes trivia

While at Lowes this weekend (for the FOURTH time -- we suck), we were wandering around, waiting for our paint to be mixed. While doing so, we discovered the following fun facts:

1. You can buy a whole toilet for less than you can buy 90% of the sink faucets they sell at Lowes. That just doesn't seem right.
2. They no longer use that smelly pink stuff that the janitor used to use to soak up vomit when you were in school. Now they use white stuff, and it does not smell. Besides soaking up vomit, it can also be used to absorb paint, should someone you know have a can pop out of their arms like a jack-in-the-box.
3. Paint is not returnable. Do not believe the lies they tell you on Trading Spaces.

Also, a dilemma occured. I asked a lowes salesperson where I could find trash bags. Before she could answer, another lowes salesperson walked by and said, "aisle 4". She then said "aisle 3". Now, I asked her first. But Mr. Aisle 3 projected much more confidence in his directions. Who to trust?

If I gave an Oscar acceptance speech, I would start out thanking...

I would start out thanking Mary. Why? Because she is the kind of person who, when helping people out, shows as much commitment to the project at hand as the person she is helping. More, sometimes, if the person is me, the project is painting, and I (feel like I) have spent the last 24 hours straight TAPING! That is truly rare, and thus, she would precede my agent, co-stars, Dang, Jane, Steven's parents, etc.. Or, maybe, she could have the alternate position of honor, the final mention. But then again, Steven did let me paint two rooms yellow....

Philadelphia Film Festival

First, the news. "Saved!" is the closing night movie. Reserve your tickets now.

Now, the rules. 2003 rules worked for me, so they will be repeated this year.

1. No movies whose descriptions contain the words "bleak", "gritty", "harsh", "unflinching", or "a Danger after Dark favorite".
2. All interesting sounding documentaries should be attended.
3. Musicals = Yes!

and a new rule for 2004, No sci-fi.

Sondre, when did you become a star?

Oh, Sondre, I remember the days when it was just you and me. The days when you were opening for Nada Surf and Ed Harcourt at the North Star. The days when you sold your own T-shirts and CDs in the back of the room. The good days.

I know you've always been hot stuff in Norway, but I didn't think that you were going to become a star before we met again!

But, now you're back. Headlining your own show at the TLA. When did you become Mr. Big Stuff? Yeah, you had that one commercial for Turner Classic Movies, or AMC, or whoever, but given that even I, your true fan, cannot remember who ran the ad, it could hardly be considered your big break. Maybe a single is in the works! Maybe hordes of screaming teenage girls will flock to your next show! Maybe.... you have sold out. But I still love you. See you at the TLA!

For Mary, courtesy of the IMDB

Brotherly Love? Oh, Brother!

Philadelphia was in an uproar Wednesday over the decision of The Real World to pack up and leave the city rather than negotiate union contracts. A group called Young Involved Philadelphia held a rally at the proposed location of the The Real World shoot, where one participant told the Philadelphia Daily News,"For people my age, having Real World film here was even bigger than the X Games. ... bigger even than the Sixers. It's bigger than the Eagles. I just can't explain how depressed and angry everyone is about it." Two Daily News columnists, Ellen Gray and Jill Porter, duked it out in print. Gray applauded the fact that Philadelphia had become "the first city ever to have sent The Real World packing" because it didn't "want to pay union wages to produce a show that celebrates conspicuous consumption." Taking a 180-degree different view, Porter wrote: "The goon squad has done it again. The short-sighted union oafs who wreak havoc in pursuit of their own self-interest have run MTV's The Real World out of town." Although Philadelphia Mayor John Street had offered to mediate the dispute, today's Philadelphia Inquirer reported that Bunim/Murray Productions, the company that produces The Real World, had said that its decision to abandon Philadelphia was final. Sharon Pinkenson, head of the Greater Philadelphia Film Office said that the producers had told her "they were a nonunion company, and they were nonunion everywhere, and they did not want any deals with the unions." And in an editorial today, the Philadelphia Inquirer observed that other union union cities had managed to welcome the nonunion production company, and concluded: "Philadelphia can't afford to pooh-pooh the loss of any publicity, let alone the chance for a slick months-long commercial tailor-made to appeal to young people. ... If City Hall, labor leaders and the producers can't make this deal happen, they all might just find a place on another popular MTV show: Jackass."

Updates

Click to see the coolest product of all time. Imagine eating a fresh peep every time you want one!

I have been sick for going on two weeks now. I am not very happy about this, but now Jane knows.

Jane comes home today! By the time she reads this, she will already know that Mary has been stocking tasty treats in celebration of her return.

I closed on my condo yesterday, and thus, this week marks the kickoff of my campaign to put my Trading Spaces knowledge to good use. If only I had a professional carpenter I could show an incredibly simple sketch to, and they could produce what I want!

The schedule for this weekend is 2 full days worth of painting fun. Anyone who's interested in joining the all-star cast of Mary, Jane and Herbie, let me know, so I have enough brushes to go around. Also, any helpful painting tips? Or underappreciated color-picking expertise? Speak up. I am incompetent.

Speaking of incompetent people, I had to un-woot, as the person who agreed to take my apartment backed out. Thanks to Mary, I was able to re-clean, and find someone else who will take it. But one person, who had already been looking for apartments for several months (!?!) passed, even though she loved it. Why? "I have to sleep on it. This seems like a really big decision to make on the spot." My honey dear, you will always lose out on the best apartments, houses, used cars, ebay picks, etc. etc. etc. if you are unable to make a snap decision when you see something you really like and want.

I get 267 pieces of spam a day, on average.

Woot!

The first person to look at my apartment said she would take it. So, that's done. Unfortunately, there goes my last, best excuse for not packing. (So it wouldn't look like a mess when people came to see it.) We've already filled all the boxes we got from the office, and we've only packed the easy stuff (AKA books, cds, dvds, and a smattering of items used to reduce the weight of full boxes.)

Final notes on subletting your apartment: 1) Everyone on earth seems to have pets! Someone asked me about keeping a Great Dane in an apartment. (That's not right.) Know your apartment's pet policy. 2) Many more people want to look at apartments during the week than on the weekend. 3) Ignore any little sisters who might suggest giveaways are necessary to get rid of your apartment. In fact, you may want to suggest to potential leasees that bribes would not be frowned upon in this situation.

The purpose of a blog

Did you ever write a newspaper when you were a kid? Reviews of what you had for dinner the night before, a profile of your next-door neighbor, the police blotter of items your siblings stole from you. While I have no recollection of writing a childhood newspaper, the idea of doing so amuses me. The ultra-local news, from your somewhat slanted source. The Main Line Times writ tiny.

Some of Jane's readers, when prompted for comments (Letters to the Editor?) said they thought of a blog like a journal, where you write for yourself. As you would not expect your dear Diary to start talking back to you, why would you need comments to keep your blog going?

And so, because you never know what you will find in this tiny paper, especially when I am putting off packing, the horoscopes.

Aries: You kissed a drunk girl?!?! Today: It's your lucky day! Play the lottery, or pig out.
Taurus: Your papa was a rolling stone. Today: Treat yourself. Turn off your cell phone when you go to bed.
Gemini: You want a shoe horn, the kind with teeth. Today: You are likely to get sick in the coming days, so get plenty of Vitamin C.
Cancer: Don't drink, don't smoke... what do you do? Today: The TLA has one tag left for that movie you wanted. Run!
Leo: You've been hit by a smooth criminal. Today: Let's get real. Today is going to suck for you.
Virgo: You give love a bad name. Today: Skip that morning coffee.
Libra: You want it, you want it, you want it ... you can't have it. Today: Listen to some new music.
Scorpio: You're living in a rock and roll fantasy. Today: Pretend you're going to get a pet!
Sagittarius: You’re the kind of person that believes in making out once. Today: You're going to finish the crossword!
Capricorn: You make me feel so young. Today: Clean out your fridge, then get yourself a treat.
Aquarius: You come from the land down under. Today: You rule. Oh, wait. That's every day.
Pisces: You're once... twice.. three times a lady. Today: It's a good day to do laundry.

Hawaii pictures!

Pictures from Hawaii are a nice sweet meat.

Answering a friday five... courtesy of kitten

Inspired by Jenn.... my new blogspiration? a friday five, even though it's saturday now..

1) last song I heard --> Winds of Change - by the Scorpions -- courtesy of Emmet. not the last song I heard, but the last one that stood out in my mind.

2)Last 2 movies I saw --> The Triplets of Belleville - how is it between mary, steven and I, none of us knew it didn't have words? And Father of the Bride -- on TNT, the scene where Annie tells Steve Martin that her fiancee is a liar because he told her a crazy story about Steve snooping in his father's desk and getting chased by dogs. A classic, even in parts.

3) Last 3 things I bought --> chicken noodle for lunch, soda for the office (diet coke with lime only came in cans; that's not right) and probably some piece of hardware that I don't even know I bought. Ask me on Tuesday, and the answer will be a condo.

4) the 4 things I need to do this weekend --> 1) pack. 2) find a new resident for my apartment. 3) did I tell you I need to pack? 4) finish watching the first season of Alias.

5) the last 5 people I talked to --> 1) Steven 2) kitten / waiter at dinner/#pobox 3) Emmet 4) Jane 5) Dieter

Steven had a deprived childhood

So, the other day, Mary, Steven and I were discussing my cousin Paul, and I said, oh, he was the one who egged one of my uncles playing egg toss. And Steven says, what's an egg toss?

Steven then reveals he has never done an egg (or a water balloon) toss, or run a three-legged, sack or wheelbarrow race. He has managed to participate in a tug-o-war, but that's the one exception to his game-less childhood. When asked if his schools didn't have field days or other days when they played fun games, he said that they did things like running races and actual sport competitions, not these "suburban" games. Because they do not have eggs, balloons, or pieces of string in the city. Because the wheelbarrow race requires rolling green hils with bunnies and deer frolicking in the background.

Also, for the record, I have seen the school he attended, and they had a huge, grassy field where hundreds of people could have done a sack race simultaneously.

So, I am pleased to announce the first annual Compound Game Day, where only the fun parts of Field Day will be played. Sign up now to challenge your favorite Horstmanns in physical competition! Mary has already announced her intention to run the three-legged race with Anne. Can anyone best this pairing of height and .... uh, height?

The great lip balms of my time

I probably have 6-7 active instances of lip balm running at any one time, so I am what you might describe in a product survey as a Heavy User of lip balm. However, I have come to a crisis point in my lip balm career. Namely, my most favorite type of lip balm is no longer available!

The two great lip balms of my life:

Softlips - it came in that tiny little stick, so you used it up really quickly. (I also do not know why I'm listing this like it's a benefit.) Good flavors. It was hard to find -- scarcity drives demand. My love of this lip balm is a marketer's dream.

Crabtree and Evelyn Aloe lip balm - My current love. Now, before you think to yourself, oh Helen, there's a Crabtree 5 minutes from me, I'd be happy to go get you some lip balm if you can't find it anymore.... STOP! Crabtree has pulled a switcheroo on me. You see, their All-Time World's Greatest Lip Balm was seemingly only available on US Airways international flights, and only then, in business class. This kind smells like vanilla, and goes on like heaven. The kind they LABEL Aloe lip balm in the stores smells like licorice, and has a totally different consistency. Thankfully, my father has a closet stuffed with those little business class pouches, so I was able to get by for years on a little hoarde of tubes I squirrelled away in my apartment. But that supply is quickly drying up, and I am at a loss.

So, here it is. I need a new lip balm. My criteria:
1) Stick format. I cannot own lip balm that requires me to use my fingers to apply it.
2) THICK consistency. I don't like those thin, glossy coats that require you to re-apply 12 times a day.

Help me, Readers! You're my only hope.

Why does everybody love drama?

Everybody says they love funny. but.... all they ever talk about is DRAMA. See Jane's blog. She writes one message where she isn't the funniest kid you ever met, and all the readers come out of the woodwork to comment. She cracks us up, and we are silent, but she goes all introspective, and everyone wants to jump in.

And the Oscars have no love for the funny movies. You can say maybe that sense of humor is more subjective, and everyone gets a little tug at their heartstrings if someone dies, or falls in love, but are there really no funny movies that have universal appeal? Given the number of movies made each year, that hardly seems possible.

On the other hand, nobody wants to be that Chris Farley SNL character, "remember that scene, where x met y? yeah, that was really funny." You can bond over a shared sense of humor, but you can DISCUSS drama. And everyone loves to talk.

But anyway... Please post a funny movie. A gut-buster, if you will. Hopefully something I haven't seen before will appear on the list, and then I can make a trip to the TLA with the prospects of a night full of laughter in front of me. I will start. For anyone who even has a tolerance for sci-fi, do yourself a favor and rent Firefly. If your local video store doesn't carry it, let me know, and I will lend it to you.

Make your millions with one simple idea!

Most any girl will tell you that if you want to wear a white shirt, a nude bra, and not a white one, is the choice of champions. Why then, do men's undershirts only come in white, black and grey? Everyone can see them under white shirts! Why do men not have the choice of nude or, as we will call them to sell them to men, beige (or even maybe mocha) undershirts? There is an obvious market opportunity here.

Goodbye, Jane the Bully!

Jane announced today that her bully phase was over. To commemorate the occasion (and to make sure Mary actually sees this, lest I get any more questions from Jane about it), I will repost the last known sighting of Jane the Bully.

Mary,
This is Jane, your sister. I'm calling you out. This should officially become Helen's Blog because you never post. I don't care if nothing is going on in your life, make something up. I hope you seriously consider posting before Helen moves on without you. Maybe you and Mommy can start your own blog togther and call it "The 'I'm a reject' Project" You say potato... Mary says Please like me! Consider yourself called.
Jane

Goodbye, Brigitta. May your afterlife include as much dFilm coverage as this life did.

Can you get people to think about candidates?

OK, an idea for next presidential election, already technically feasible for most new Apple owners. For the purposes of discussion, we will assume nearly full adoption of DVD technology within the next 4 years.

Have the parties produce a DVD. They are responsible for putting together menus, fact-checking, and sending the DVDs. The candidates are responsible for submitting:

- 5 minute biographical sketch, including major works to date
- outline of their major policy positions
- a clip from a speech (up to 10 minutes)

Eligible candidates can be decided using whatever (not very stringent, it seems) criteria they use to determine who can participate in early debates. If someone has some major gripe that this format is, for instance, totally biased against people who have no major policy positions, they can argue for the addition of other materials for each candidate.

To avoid major discrepancies in the production quality of each clip, the same camera crew will work with each candidate. Candidates can edit their own material.

DVDs can be sent using any number of priority systems, to get some in the field, and solicit donations to send the DVDs to all registered party members.

The questions are:

- would anyone who didn't already watch coverage in the news watch this DVD? If you say no, even as the primary in their state gets closer?
- would something like this encourage people to vote for someone whose policies reflected their own priorities or who had a style they liked, or would people continue to do what they think everyone else is doing?

Also, name your dream ticket that would cause you to vote for your opposing party. Condition: both members of the ticket must be currently viable candidates (no one dead, retired or i would say too junior but John Edwards proves there's not such thing.)

Some lo lo wiped us out

So, speaking of surfing, Waikiki beach is FULL of surfers. I mean, wannabe surfers. Real surfers surf on real baches. So, there are lots of collisions. So, there was this guy taking pictures. And he got this series of 6 shots that shows me, in slow motion, plowing into a dude who had fallen off his board on the previous wave. Rule of the road is, people on boards take precedence, but he was like a deer caught in headlights, so i jumped off the board. But in the picture (because I get between him and the camera), it looked like I rolled right over him. Alas, these pictures are lost like the sands of time.

Also, Stitch cut his foot surfing pretty badly. (He recovered with the application of some tattoo band-aids, though.) There are more rocks in the water there than any other surf I have voluntarily entered. Danger, Will Robinson!

p.s. jane, you are obsessed with lo los.

Hawaii and back again

Radio silence has been broken. Steven and I have returned from Hawaii. And so, for now, just the highlights:

- I lost my glasses. First day, top of the mountain. Goodbye, sweet glasses. You served me well.

- When they say this is whale watching season, they are not kidding! We saw an enormous amount of humpback whales. If you stood and watched the ocean for about 10 minutes, you were practically guaranteed to see one! When we went snorkeling, we stopped and watched some that came pretty close to the boat, too. We also ran into some dolphins who played in the boat's wake for a few minutes.

- The best eats in Hawaii are actually.... Korean. We must have eaten kalbi ribs at least 5 times. Also, mai tais = not good. I don't know if people like them, or just think they're supposed to drink them, but me no likee.

- There is an ice cream chain, apparently all over the place, but that I have never seen before, bringing SMUSH-INS to the masses! Cold Stone Creamery. There's one at the Franklin Mills mall. Who knew? I will always know Herrells is first, but sometimes a trip to Boston is just not in the cards.

- Steven and I rode the hawaiian roller coaster. Yes, that's right, I finally got to go surfing. And except for the fact that it rubs any exposed skin raw (yes, toes, I mean you), it's pretty easy. Maybe I will start surfing in Cape May this summer.

- We were refugees! The day we were supposed to leave Maui, someone drove an SUV into the airport and set it on fire. They closed the airport, and the Red Cross came, and set up a "temporary shelter" (read: a gym), and gave us the provisions we needed to survive (mini Brussels and POG - passion orange guava juice). Steven and I took some snacks, then went to the beach, leaving all the poor suckers who turned in their rental cars behind.

- If you want to know what Waikiki Beach is like, imagine Singapore. Then move a beach very close to Orchard Road. Voila! You are at Waikiki beach. Ok, it wasn't as hot as Singapore.