Who is this cheesy?

If you are a cheesy person yourself, you can stop reading now.

I have been trying to avoid blogging about the wedding, because it is not really interesting to anyone. But I was trying to find cheap candles today, when I found this "poem" instead. In case anyone was trying to come up with the sappiest shower present ever, I have now topped personalized garden stones (your name + his name + his last name = BARF!)

A Basket of Candles
For Bitsy

A basket of candles That come in a pair
In all different colors, For you two to share
The white ones burn first
They are wrapped in white lace
To celebrate your first married night
In your new chosen place
The green pair is taller, and also much thinner
Burn with the first company, you have over for dinner
The dark blue candles are for after your first fight
Use them to burn while making up all night
Pink candles set the mood and pave the way
For your first married Valentine’s Day
Now, when your first year of marriage is through
The cream anniversary pair, will light for you two.
Red candles aflame, both your futures are bright.
Celebrate promotions you’ve worked toward with all of your might.
By this time we hope, maybe, just maybe
You can light the purple ones, on the birth of your baby,
And just when you thought, you’d put these away
Take the light blue ones out-for your fifth anniversary day.
Now just one more pair left-for the big 2 5
The anniversary pair that will keep your love alive
Congratulations bride and groom (enter names)
On the start of your forever
May the two of you always be happy together
And burn these candles
Just the way we said
But please don’t forget-blow them out before bed!

The cherry on top, though. "I got this poem and basket full of candles at my shower a few weeks ago. It was one of the sweetest gifts I received. I just found the poem online and I thought I'd share it with you for future gifts! I hope you enjoy it b/c it definitely touched me!"

Someone please go register weddingwishestoshare.com. I could totally make a mint off this concept.

A box full of Candy
for someone who's dandy

When someone's as sweet as you and your love
What could be better than Reese's and Dove?
Don't forget Snickers, 'cause that's what we'll do
When you open this package and start to boo-hoo!

See? I'm a natural!

I'm still, I'm still Janie from the block.

Dearest H Diddy,
Fine, you win, but watch out I could leave you for Ben Affleck whenever my little heart desires.
Love Always,
J. Ho(rstmann)

So I'm busy learning and rowing 24/7 and what do I get crap for? Not blogging. Cool. So what have I been up to? Yes, crew, after a solid 6 months our season finally ends next Saturday. Exams start Monday, only three days though. We went to the U2 concert. Oh, and I went to prom.

Posting a picture is far too complicated on this blog so uh let me reenact some for you.
Ah yes, here's a self portrait of me and Sara winking, the ultimate Horstmann pose.
Took some pictures of the quad, but no good ones, so good thing you don't get to see them.
Ah look, McCrea and I are sitting on a bench, almost as good as a nice Clair Pruett portrait.
Sara took some nice candid action shots. I'm talking to Missy. I'm receiving flowers. I'm walking inside.
Good times.

Wow, I haven't posted in a while. heh. I mean that's not funny.
My To-do List:
1. Blog.
2. Beat Helen with my bully stick.
3. Not rescue Mary from her burning home, and then call her out for not blogging.
4. Get into college.

Guess what? Julie Cooper (from the O.C.) has the same nickname as me. Come on Caleb, couldn't you be a little more original? So writers of the O.C., if you're reading this, back off, JuJu's mine.

Does anyone remember the daughter of the wind?

Oh,shabanu, I miss you. Those were the days. The days when you posted every day. Sometimes more than once! When you had a PR of 9! When you had a bully stick!

Is this a blast from your past? I made a movie to remind you. I'm callling you out. BLOG OR DIE!

H. Diddy

Ouch. Snow Patrol hates me.

I cannot remember the last time a tour I wanted to see did not stop in Philadelphia. What did I do to you, Snow Patrol? Does your mom's cousin live in Norfolk, Virginia, and that's why you're stopping there instead of here? Was it your childhood dream to get your picture taken with Mickey Mouse in front of Sleeping Beauty's castle, and that's why Orlando gets more of your love than I do? Have I not done my part? Did I not make everyone listen to your album, and taunt them for not having the bonus tracks that I, as an iTunes user, got for free? Maybe it's because Apple won't let me share their stupid tracks with people on my local network, and thus kitten did not get to listen to the album.

On another note, when you see someone's age published, do you believe it? This week's iTunes free track is by a supposed 17 year-old named Kyle Riabko. And when I read that, my first reaction was, "yeah, right." Not that he looks or sounds particularly old, I guess, but seriously. Not everyone in the world can be as young as they claim to be. Tiger Girl, I'm talking to you. There's no way you're 16.

The dog days of May

On our recent trip to Portland, we saw an ad for pet accoutie store called Bark'n Roll. Now, normally, these stores are filled with the kind of things that pet lovers find adorably indespensible, and I call crap. But, this ad was offering something special. Something that would, I think, truly justify a trip to their little store.

A self-service dog wash.

That's right, for only $12, you come in, choose your favorite doggie shampoo, outfit yourself with smocks, and you and your pooch head back into their state-of-the-art dog wash facility. Now, $12 might sound a little steep for the privilege of washing one's own dog, but think about it. Besides the bins at waist height, and those nice little squirty guns like you have in your kitchen sink, and a little ramp so Poochie doesn't have to suffer the indignity of being lifted into the sink, you don't have to clean your bathroom afterwards. You don't have to worry about puppy getting out of the bathroom, and shaking dry all over the house. That sounds well worth $12 to me.

Appparently, it appeals to other people as well. The Bark'n Roll website makes frequent mention of it being "Portland's original self-service dog wash". Should've trademarked the idea.

Also, Mary, take note. Steven came up with a new career opportunity for Z-dog. Puppy Matchmaker! Why do people buy dogs at pet stores and puppy mills? They don't know what the right kind of dog is for them, so they want to see a lot of choices. If you know you're looking for a poodle or a rhodesian ridgeback, you know to find a reputable breeder, yadda yadda yadda.

But what if you don't know what kind of dog is right for you? You need a puppy matchmaker. She comes to your house, interviews you (and your other pets), maybe brings a "test dog" with her, so she can see how you react to dogs. Then, she presents you with pictures and profiles of 10 dogs that she thinks would be right for your family. You can meet up to 3 of them (more for an additional fee.) She will have a book full of success stories, where you realize, flipping through, that it's true what they say about pets looking like their owners, and you start wondering what your love of white fluffy dogs says about you. The New York Times writes a profile about the service. Your pet owner buddies stop judging you on the breed you picked, and start asking what matchmaker you used. There is totally a market for this service.

OMG my baby is the cutest!!!!

Dear Steven:

Thanks for sending me all those cute pictures of your nephew. What a treat! (Although what gives? I would be a little mad that Hooters is getting more coverage than that way cute T-Bone bib you showed me.) Anyway, I just thought I would show you some pictures of MY baby. She's a little angrier than T-Bone, but I love her anyway. I hope you like them. Click on the one below for more cute-cute-cute!

Love,
Helen

P.S. Does anyone still send those lame-o hallmark cards anymore? Maybe un-crafty people. But for craft-masters like myself, homemade cards are the only way to go! I was going to punch this one up with some stamping, but the L-O-V-E stamper is $12! That's crazy talk.

You can't take the sky from me!

Last year, they canceled my beloved Firefly. Several months later, on the strength of booming DVD sales of the 13 episodes Joss managed to produce before FOX pulled the plug, a movie was announced. I was excited (more Firefly! Joss's first movie) but scared (what if they make it bad, and dump it, and it never gets released?)

The trailer for Serenity came out last Friday. Now I am excited. Why? Four words.

Major Motion Picture Event.

That's right. Somebody cut together a cool looking trailer, with lots of action, added some angry action songs, and green techno text, and called it a major motion picture event. Check the trailer, then join me and all my geek brethren September 30th.

Soho Cupcake Company: A review

Inspired my Mary rating Caroline's blog and my post-lunch desire to help people, I have purchased and consumed a cupcake, which I will now rate for your munching pleasure. It uses ice skating's time-honored judging technique: start with your maximum possible score, then deduct for errors. As the foodstuff being rated is a cupcake, it is starting, naturally, with a 10. Maybe an 11. Efforts by the Canadian judges to tamper with my scoring will be met with the highest possible scorn in the worldwide judging arena.

-1: Too expensive. You're not in Manhattan anymore, SCC! $2.10 for your itty bitty cupcake is a major rip-off. And do you think anyone is crazy enough to pay $4 for a "large" cupcake? If it costs $4, it should be as big as my head!
-.5: Staff Incompetence. Your staff girl did not know that there was a difference between devil's food and chocolate cake. Even if you don't sell any devil's food in your store, you've got no business working in a cupcake store if you aren't aware of the EXISTENCE of devil's food cake.
-2: Hard icing! To me, both the cupcake and its icing should be soft. If i want hard icing, I will eat a doughnut. Sayeth Hans D: "putting hard icing on a cupcake is like getting a comfortable mattress and putting plywood on top of it." While I think that is a bit harsh, it is rather like one of those stiff comforters that does not move with you, but rather hovers above you like a force field. A technical failure to achieve the basic requirements of a cupcake leads to a major point deduction.

Final rating for the Soho Cupcake Company: 6.5. Better luck next time! Perhaps consider adding the triple axel to up your maximum score.

Improving your quality of life

As an angsty teenager who only worries about school, crew and college, I feel I have the authority on improving your quality of life. I'm happy all the time (see link) even when I'm rowing at 9 am on a windy Sunday, just after it rained, in New Jersey. What? Bitter? Never.

Eat a popsicle, or ice cream or ice cream novelty of your choice. If anything tastes like summer it's definitely popsicles. Don't believe that air at the shore crap, eating a popsicle is like putting three months of glory in your mouth. If you don't like ice cream novelties, I don't like you. Maybe you should go home and contemplate if you deserve to have your quality of life improved.

Write large and prove to the world you're mentally healthy! Did you know that writing small is sign of mental illness? I did, that's obviously why I write so small. See Dr. Helen Horstmann for more information on this topic.

Buy a puppy! Alternatively, buy me a puppy! Preferably a small one because big dogs are scary.

Coming soon: pictures of me wearing bibs, being, fed, being held, leaving the competition in the dust, etc.