The Dialogue Project

Cupcakes Cupcakes Cupcakes!

2008-11-14T12:31:00.001-05:00

Straight from http://www.indyhall.org/2008/11/06/one-nation-under-cupcakes/

If one thing was going to bring the east coast and the west coast together, it certainly would be cupcakes!

To celebrate the launching of Open Source Cupcakes, the home of IndyHall’s now famous Cupcake Thursdays, we will be hosting Cupcake Camp East! The original Cupcake Camp was started June 2008 in San Fransisco.

Bring your favorite cupcakes! We will be eating and sharing cupcakes all afternoon. For just a few hours, IndyHall will TRUELY be the happiest place on earth!

If you’re baking, please bring copies of your recipes to share! We will be posting them on opensourcecupcakes.com.

When: Nov. 16th 3-5pm
Where: IndyHall

Please RSVP on Upcoming or Facebook

Is this for real?

2008-10-01T19:36:00.002-04:00

It's a piece of plastic -- but it makes the tiny speaker in the iPhone loud enough for a room?!? If this works as billed, the Griffin Air Curve is my new must-have device. Awesome.

Fall into Music

2008-09-24T11:54:00.004-04:00

A few years ago, I started classifying all my music by season, and I realized I had way too much fall/winter music, and not enough spring/summer music. Today, Jim McGuin of XPN felt my pain, and said:

Usually I think of the fall musically as a time of reflection and melancholy, and that will certainly be reflected in today's Top 5. BUT - it will also include this manic anti-fall ode by one of the best live rock and roll bands in the world, The Hives.

Now, clearly, this is actually a summer song ABOUT fall, but I'll serve it up anyway.

Adventures with Chef Jane

2008-09-24T11:35:00.004-04:00

I have cooked before. I am a master of Kraft macaroni and cheese, rice crispy treats, and eggos. I liked to think I've mastered the grill. I've even been Anne's sous chef on several occasions. My time living in an apartment has taught me that I am only capable of mastering things out of a box and following directions given by someone who can cook. In the past 24 hours I have melted a spoon and made our whole place a delightful shade of smoky.

The spoon could have happened to anyone. I was making chicken that instructed me to fry it. So I had 1/4 cup of oil in the pan and of course I had to keep mixing the chicken so it didn't get burnt. The oil got hot. The plastic spoon did too. The photo explains the after effects. My roommate explained that I can't just leave a plastic spoon in hot oil, but I didn't! That chicken was going to burn otherwise. Despite my best attempts the chicken did get a little black. Mastered -- plastic chicken.

Also, I just made a sausage sandwich. I generally go for pb and j for lunch. I'm a low maitenance eater. Today I was faced with one butt of the bread -- not enough for a sandwich. So I was crafty and had sausage. Too bad while cooking it the whoel apartment got smoky. Nothing caught on fire. I don't even know how all that smoke was produced. Needless to say, I realized that we need to replace the batteries in our smoke detector because if my sausage cooking didn't set it off then I'm 100% sure a fire wouldn't either.

I've been wikihow-ing most things I cook for fear that I might mess it up. I'll have to wiki-how this -- "How to produce less smoke while cooking." Here in Boston my whole life is an educational experience. Learning isn't just for class time!

Stickers for grown-ups.

2008-09-24T00:46:00.002-04:00

The Hollywood Farmer's Market has a stand, Sticker Planet, which filled me with joy when I saw it. It was a tiny shop, full to the brim of sticker rolls! I went in, hoping to get Caroline some classic from childhood -- a fuzzy sticker, perhaps, or an oily, or, best of all, the bear that you could stick sticker accessories on. Sadly, it was all modern stickers -- Blue's Clues and Dora and the like.

But today, boys and girls, you need not just look to stickers for nostalgia. No, now you can look to them for wall decorations, thanks to Blik. You may have already seen their Nintendo wall stickers reading one of your nerd blogs, but they make other designs, too. My current top picks:

Moon Kite
99 Luftballoons

But Jane and I spent about 40 minutes sending links back and forth, so if you think one is cool, let's click together!

Guess who's coming to blogger?

2008-09-16T00:09:00.002-04:00

Kitten has decided that the best way to cement our friendship is that time-honored tradition, becoming co-bloggers. In the grand tradition of the Dialogue Project, I was going to kick this off with a transcript of a chat we had a few months back, in which kitten explained to me exactly how to write a romance novel.

Sadly for you all, the transcript of this conversation was lost in time. However, I can accurately reproduce my part of the chat:

Helen: heh.
Helen: mmm.
Helen: hahahahahahaha
Helen: you're kidding me!
Helen: no way!!
Helen: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Helen: you should totally blog this.

So, hopefully, kitten will be able to recreate her portion of the chat in her first post :)

Robert Ebert, I love you.

2008-09-12T17:06:00.004-04:00

Not for inventing the two thumbs up system, but for saying to a broad audience what I've been thinking for the last 3 election cycles (feel free to substitute Bush for Palin, and President for Vice-President):

I think I might be able to explain some of Sarah Palin's appeal. She's the "American Idol" candidate. Consider. What defines an "American Idol" finalist? They're good-looking, work well on television, have a sunny personality, are fierce competitors, and so talented, why, they're darned near the real thing. There's a reason "American Idol" gets such high ratings. People identify with the contestants. They think, Hey, that could be me up there on that show!

My problem is, I don't want to be up there. I don't want a vice president who is darned near good enough. I want a vice president who is better, wiser, well-traveled, has met world leaders, who three months ago had an opinion on Iraq. Someone who doesn't repeat bald- faced lies about earmarks and the Bridge to Nowhere. Someone who doesn't appoint Alaskan politicians to "study" global warming, because, hello! It has been studied. The returns are convincing enough that John McCain and Barack Obama are darned near in agreement.

I try not to let my blood boil too much when it comes to politics in this country, because I've watched Steven do it twice, and I think it gave him high blood pressure and life rage. Because, hey, after 4 years of Bush, we elected him again! Because, when I was in India in October 2004, the family who was showing us around Mumbai had more information about and more critical analysis of the upcoming election than most Americans I had talked to in the preceding weeks. Because I know enough about marketing and advertising to see that intelligence, critical thinking skills, logic, diplomacy, or any other thing that might actually qualify you to make decisions about our multi-trillion dollar budget, the most powerful military in the world or regulating a consumer base that dictates economic patterns around the globe, has absolutely NOTHING to do with your ability to get elected in this country. Because, for all this talk, I know that most times, you're just choosing between two people who are equally unqualified to do the work of governance, and you just hope that they are good at hiring qualified people to work for them.

Honestly, I don't have a beef with Sarah Palin, anymore than I have a beef with any other Republican of her ilk. And I know it wasn't her choice, but I'm frankly kind of nauseated that the way they've decided to sell her is this "aw, shucks" hockey mom crap. The people I have a problem with is an electorate that thinks that the person who'll go shoot some hoops with you is a better choice than a policy wonk, that commercials and sound bytes are a legitimate source of information, that being well-educated, well-read and well-traveled is a reason NOT to vote for someone, rather than seemingly minimum basic requirements. The Republican Party is selling Sarah Palin the way they're selling her now for one simple reason: it works. It worked for the last two elections, and it's the tactic they've decided to use again this year.

This is just a rant about the state of politics today. There are no action items, other than, there are no angels and no devils; no one running this year or any other year will make magic happen, or ruin the world (though the Bush administration has certainly tried its darndest.) Stay informed, stay engaged. And demand more than sound bites.

Oh, Shabanu, where have you gone?

2008-08-06T12:21:00.001-04:00

Do you remember when the Horstmanns were constantly cranking out funny blog posts? And by "Horstmanns", I mean Jane?

One of the last posts from "You're Jealous.":

I've got the power.
The other day, while hanging around Helen's office, being hungry and bored I was thinking, "What if I had an electrical socket instead of a belly button?" I mean how awesome would that be? Other than producing your own food, what more could you want in life? Everyone in the office agreed that if everyone had electrical sockets instead of belly buttons thing would be much better. World peace would go way up. Although you'd be using so much power you would need to eat more. I think if I had 5 meals a day instead of three my peace would go way up too. This socket idea is definitely a good thing.

I sent it to Kitten:

kitten: oh, jane, i miss this blog.
kitten: damn it, now i have to go find the down with jesus post.
helen: the title is "boo, I'm adorable"
helen: search for it.
helen: then bookmark it.
helen: then print it on a tee shirt and wear it every day.

Motherhood clearly agrees with Kitten, btw. Check out her recent post for a more recently produced dose of funny.

You learn something new every day. Mostly not about home improvement, in my case.

2008-08-05T20:19:00.000-04:00

I am now on my third recaulking of the year, and this time, I am determined to get it right. Amazon has provided the fresh caulk, I think I already have the skillz, and now I get this tidbit of stunningly obvious instruction:

NOTE: The most common error in tub re-caulking is failure to fill the tub first. Water weighs 8 pounds per gallon. When the tub is full of 8-pound gallons, plus your own weight, the bathtub flexes, dropping down and away from the wall and pulling the joint open. Caulking the joint when it's as wide open as it can ever possibly be, makes your fresh caulk job last way, way longer.

That's just not right.

2008-07-31T23:27:00.000-04:00

From my last car share reservation:

We have temporarily removed gas cards from all vehicles to prevent vandalism to our cars. If you need to fuel up during your reservation, please do so and send us the receipt for prompt reimbursement. To make sure the car is ready for the next member, just make sure the tank is at least 1/4 full at the end of your trip. We understand that this may create an inconvenience to you, and we apologize in advance.

Doughnut days are here again!

2008-07-25T14:59:00.000-04:00

The Pennsylvania Dutch Festival is back, after last year's crushing
disappointment. Come challenge Jane to a doughnut eat-off featuring
the tastiest doughnuts on earth! Wash it down with some fresh churned
ice cream! August 7, 8 and 9 -- mark your calendars now.

Finally, an upside to the writer's strike!

2008-07-17T12:03:00.002-04:00

While you were crying about Lost being over, or about the terrible reality television that was taking over the airwaves, Joss Whedon was out there thinking about how to light up your life. And now, you can see what he came up with:

http://www.drhorrible.com

Singing! Dancing! Doogie! Commenting on emails! Everything you love about Joss + everything you love about the Internet, put together by Neil Patrick Harris. Run, don't walk, to check it out.

Can someone please tell me why .....

2008-07-02T13:05:00.002-04:00

They don't include lyrics on MP3/AAC files? I understand that if I rip my own cds, the data wasn't there to begin with, and I'll have to get that information from the internet. But if I'm paying money for digital files, and you don't have to spend all that money, you know, actually MAKING anything, or shipping anything, or sending me anything other than a bunch of bits, you'd think you could provide the lyrics in the file. I know you can do it (Apple, I'm talking to you.) You will let me save my own lyrics information on the files. So, come on. Just include that information when I buy the music!

(I just didn't want anyone to think Steven had cornered the market on complaining on blogs.)

The time is right.

2008-06-18T11:57:00.002-04:00

The first Apple store in Australia is opening this week in Sydney, and the new iPhone will be available there in just a few short weeks. Clearly, my destiny is drawing near.

Are you ready to cry/get your tubes tied/turn lesbian?

2008-06-16T19:15:00.007-04:00

The cover story of this week's New York Times Magazine -- "When Mom and Dad Share It All" -- has brought much crying and gnashing of teeth to the Horstmann world. If you haven't already read it (apparently, some people are SO in the know that they read it on Thursday, even though it was in the Sunday Times), go read it now.

Have we all read it? Good. To get back to the roots of the blog, I'll just post my comments to Steven:

Helen: The saddest/scariest part of the article is how patently untrue all the stats are for lesbian couples.

Steven: how much more parity there is?

Helen: Yes. Proving that there is no intrinsic need/benefit to having one parent do the majority of the work.

Steven: ?

Helen: It's not that "that's just the way it needs to be", that, at the end of the day, that responsibility will fall to someone. It's that, as a culture, we've decided that women are "in charge" of that stuff, and you have to fight like hell to end up with something else if you marry a man. And if you marry a woman, it's just a non-issue. Both women see themselves as equally responsible, and behave accordingly.

And that bit about who has the more flexible schedule, the college professor or the doctor? And the answer is, it doesn't matter, people will answer the woman, regardless of which role the woman is in each scenario.

Your profession is irrelevant.
The number of hours you work is irrelevant.
The amount of money you make is irrelevant.
Your sex is the only thing that matters, and if you're a woman, you will end up doing more housework, more childcare, making more sacrifices in your career, just giving up more, no matter who you marry, unless you're willing to fight every single day to make sure that doesn't happen.

Steven: And that's just that, or is there a solution?

Helen: The answer is, men have to step up, and stop acting like they are the assistant parent.

Steven: Obviously, but how do we make it such that that's not their imprinting growing up or will it just take a few generations for this to change.

Helen: Generations, schmenerations. Treat your wife with respect, and do your share of the work, and your sons will get it.

Next project for menses tech: self-raising babies. They did it for flour; babies can't be that much harder.

Happy Baby, Jenn and Paul!

2008-06-10T13:18:00.005-04:00

The official Favorite Pregnant Person of the Horstmann family has just given birth.

From Paul's birth announcement:

If you don't know already, Jenn delivered a 6 pound 2 ounce baby boy Monday evening around 5:30. He measured 19 3/4" long. We haven't decided on a name for him yet, but we'll let you know when we do.

Congratulations, guys!

New Zealand - There and back again.

2006-04-10T00:29:00.000-04:00

3 days in New Zealand, and everywhere we go, a Lord of the Rings site. We've seen mountains, rivers and plains, but Peter Jackson has seen them all first.

New Zealand is spectacular. Anyone who heard about our trip to Hawaii knows how I feel about "scenic drives". (For anyone who did not - sucko.) So, when Steven told me we were going to spend the better part of two days on one, on a BUS, no less, I was not exactly thrilled. But the drive to Milford Sound was teuly amazing. We saw snow covered mountains (and an avalanche), drank out of glacial streams, and saw a chasm that could not be believed. And that was all before we got to our destination! There, we went on a boat, and encountered about 30 dolphins, who swam right up to the boat. Better than the dolphin show at the Baltimore Aquarium, for sure.
And, just to finish off, we popped in to see a glowworm cave on the way back. Incredible.

Oh, and we found a great fudge shop - the Remarkable Candy Company. Their signature flavor? Creme brulee. Yum!

Next stop - Christchurch.

A postcard from the great barrier reef

2006-04-08T05:27:00.000-04:00

Dear (insert your name here),

We're having a swimmingly good time on holiday! Steven and I are now certified scuba divers, and though we saw many sharks, none of them tried to take a nibble. Steven took some cool underwater photos, which we'll try to post soon.

We did have some excitement on the dive boat, though. Our mooring line snapped the first night, and we nearly ran aground on the same reef that stranded Captain Cook. And I just thought I was some landlubber who couldn't fall asleep on a boat!

Stay tuned for our next card from NZ, and thanks for taking care of (our place/my orchid/the tivo/baby/the batmobile/those crazy customers/that crazy horstmann of your choice)!

Love,
king and queen prawn

Dear Rory,

2006-04-05T15:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Rory,

I don't really like to talk about television on this blog. That is what my telephone calls with my sisters are for. But seriously - I want this on the public record.

Rory - you are sucky. Or rather sucko.

Stop it or drop dead.

I don't really care which.

Love,
Mary

23 Facts about the number 23

2006-03-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

1. There are 23 letters in the Latin alphabet

2. W = 23rd letter of the alphabet, It's symbol is 2 points down, 3 up.

3. 23 is the first prime number in which both digits are prime numbers
and add up to another prime number. (2 3 = 5)

4. The number of joints in the human arm is 23.

5. Human beings have 23 pairs of chromosomes

6. It takes 23 seconds for blood to circulate through the human body.

7. The song "Just a perfect day", originally by Lou Reed, has been
released in a special BBC edition, and is performed by 23 famous
artists

8. In the song "Gett Off", by the artist formerly known as Prince, the
lyrics read: "Gett off! Twenty-three positions in a one-night stand".

9. The Police; Their song "Synchronicity I" is 3:23 long.

10. Kurt Cobain; Born 1967: 1 9 6 7=23. Died 1994: 1 9 9 4=23.

11. U2; U is the 21st letter in the alphabet added to the number two
gives you 23.

12. There are 23 buildings on the Microsoft campus in Redmond, Washington.

13. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson lived at 221b Baker Street for a
period of 23 years.

14. 23 is the lowest positive integer number not scoreable with one
dart on a dartboard

15. Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times when he was assassinated.

16. According to biorhythm theory, everyone has a 23-day physical cycle

17. The world's fastest human can average 23 miles/hour in the 100 meter dash

18. 23 degrees Celsius is "room temperature" on Earth.

19. Asteroid researchers measuring the rotation periods of asteroids
reported that none were found with periods of less than 2.3 hours. A
rotation period of less than 2.3 hours would cause them to be torn
apart.

20. The axis of the planet Earth is 23.5 degrees

21. 63 years, the average lifespan of a human being on the planet
Earth, is roughly 23,000 days

22. Nissan is a brand of Japanese cars. In Japanese, "ni" is 2, and
"san" is 3. (Although '23' is 'nijuusan')

23. The average smoker smokes 23 butts a day

Thanks to everyone for making this a great birthday!

I am a huge nerd

2006-03-21T23:57:00.000-05:00

We're prepping to be gone for a month. What do we want? Email. When do we want it? Now would be nice, but I'l settle for on request anywhere I have cell service.

Months ago, Steven noted that every time Kabir came over, I would fiddle with his Treo. He almost even got me one for Christmas. But I said, no, no, what do I need one of those for?

I take it all back. Steven, you know me better than I know myself. I got my Treo Friday, and I can't stop fooling with it. I show it off to people, even though I know they don't care. I'm already getting accessories for it. When I call myself, it says, "treotreotreotreotreotreoTREO!" I even wrote this post on it.

Now I totally know how Anne feels.

Food not named after an ingredient in the recipe

2006-03-10T16:10:00.000-05:00

Elephant’s Ear
Snickerdoodles
Devil’s Food Cake
Angel Food Cake
Ginger Snaps
Oreos

Letters to people who are not likely to respond

2006-03-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Michelle The GAP Salesclerk,

Thank you for your assistance last Sunday when I was shopping at your store. It was incredibly helpful. While my sister and I mistakenly thought that a polo dress that was located near my rah cha cha region was perhaps too short, you quickly pointed out that it was, in fact, just the right length. Thank you for explaining that it was, in reality, not an actual dress, but rather a tennis dress. When I foolishly wondered if, since I wasn’t intending to play tennis in it, perhaps it did not matter what dress lengths people wore on the courts, you were there to show me the error of my ways, and explain to me that “it is the STYLE!”

When you then proceeded to tell my sister that you were going to pick up one for yourself and your 5’2” frame even if I wasn’t going to get one, I knew we were soul sisters and that we should have matching outfits.

You are a great judge of style and, might I add, of character. When I attempted to get back into your good graces after showing my obvious ignorance regarding tennis clothing by saying “I love shirt dresses,” you saw right through my rouse, and told me politely, “Oooookay…I have never heard that term before,” followed by an absolutely appropriate roll of your eyes. At that moment, you proved yourself to be a woman of discriminating tastes.

You were so patient with me. I realize now that my hesitation to expose my business to an unsuspecting public in a dress which I can only assume you designed, thus explaining your vigorous defense of the garment, was truly an insult to you, to your dress and to the entire GAP family, and for that I truly apologize.

In the end, as you likely know, I did not get the dress. As I explained to you in the dressing room during one of your appropriately forceful and well-reasoned “discussions” of the dress, this was not your or your dress’s fault. It was clearly mine. My body selfishly failed to consider your dress when it grew. And for that I can only say I am deeply sorry.

Thank you again for all your help. You are a truly unique and great saleswoman and you are a beautiful person.

Warmest regards and deepest apologies,
Mary

Stuff People Get Sick From

2006-03-03T11:24:00.000-05:00

Tumors
Eating too much candy
Kissing
Work
Not wearing your coat in winter
Shellfish
Mardi Gras

But they do not get sick from bones jutting out from your knee. Little known fact.

The Last 3 Phone Conversations I had with my Mother

2006-03-03T11:17:00.000-05:00

Your mail is here and it is crapping up my house.
Your possessions are in the basement and they are crapping up my house.
My house is empty and your stuff is in the trash.

Things I have learned in art class (in chronological order)

2006-02-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

Triangles
Rectangles
Trapezoids
Squares
Blobby shapes
Tracing
Circles

Come see my gallery showing entitled "BOOYAH! Look at these awesome blobbies!" this May!

Have a Whale of a Valentine's Day!

2006-02-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

So recently, I had a yen to make valentines. First, there is something distinctly satisfying about valentines. Unlike your turkey day or Christmas cards, you are not confined by a limited number of symbols for the holiday. As we learned in grade school, you can make a valentine about anything. Wuzzles – Fine. Snorkels – Awesome. Fraggle Rock – Perfect! Also, there are the really bad puns involved. The worse, the better! A sampling from this year included “whale you be my valentine?” (with a picture of a whale), “Bee Mine!” (with a picture of a bee), and “wood you be my valentine?” (with a picture of a…wait for it…wait…a tree!).

Anyway, my original plan was to send it to my single female friends. Because some women feel especially maligned by the holiday. Mostly because other women like to tilt their heads at them and say, “That’s okay…” when they say they aren’t doing anything for the holiday. Thanks! I know.

Anyway, I think the holiday is lovely and the fact that all my hipster friends have decided that it is way too “commercial” for them makes me love it all the more. And the fact that it happens to be the same date as the day of my sister’s birth is just icing on the delicious pink cake.

But then I was telling my friends about how I am making valentines and who I am sending them to, and Brandon gets all uppity, and is like, “Man! What the hell is that?! Why don’t I get a card?” And lord knows I hate gender discrimination, so I capitulated and made the boys of Montrose some cards. Now I sent them all out, and people were thrilled! It is fun to see people get such a charge out of them. I get emails, telephone calls, kisses - the works. People loved them. And by people, I mean girls. The boys – no reaction. Not a single peep. Not even Brandon – who specifically requested his valentine - has said anything.

The upshot is none of the boys thought I was secretly hitting on them. Which is my other (secret) fear and another reason I don’t generally send boys valentines. The last thing I need is for some boy to be all like, “She wrote ‘Love’ as her closing. That must mean she loves me! Aaaah!”

Because – get it? Boys are dumb.

Reasons why Valentine's Day is worthless

2006-02-17T22:49:00.000-05:00

If I want candy we can go to Wawa together and pick out some goodies
No one likes spending 2 dollars on cards
Figuring out what to say on a homemade card is hard
Flowers die anyway
Mary sends Helen better cards than me
You can't get dinner reservations for birthday parties
People drive around very unlovingly with their hazards on
Necco wafers are gross
The singing stuffed animal population grows too much

New for Friday: Lists

2006-02-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

People I like

Minnesotans
Midwives
Deaniacs
The Oak Ridge Girls
Quakers
Mad for Mexicans
Tall sisters doin’ it for themselves
Montroseians
Tim Gunn

Hi Uncle Tom! It's me, Jane!

2006-02-08T17:39:00.000-05:00

To all my special readers,
You're so special. You deserve a sticker that reads, "You are a GREAT relative!" I'm special too. Here's my special fun fact of the day: I worked at Planned Parenthood over the summer. Yes it's true, I am pro-choice.
Love Always,
Baby J

On to my real post:
I like that today is officially beat down on Steven day. Well short one, three posts in one day? Beat that!

So I have completed all eight of my college applications, and now have tons of free time. HAHAHAHAHA PSYCH! Well, I did finish my applications, but I still lack free time. I know you guys are all like, uhhh Jane it's February, shouldn't you have like a trillion sweatshirts with your new school's name on it? No is the answer. Okay? So here's the conversation we're not allowed to have: "So Jane, Where are you going to school next year?"
"Oh, I don't know yet."
"Well, where have you gotten in so far?"
"Nowhere yet, I don't here back until April."
"Oh, well what's your first choice?"
Sets you on fire with my eyes
"Well, it's Brown, but I was already deferred."
"What does that mean?"
"You're dead to me."

Okay? Got it? We're not gonna have this conversation. Until April, then I will have real answers to all of the above questions.

So Kiki Dunst, the new Marie Antoinette, has quite the theme song. The trailer shows little information about the movie and overall was a bit of a waste of time. Except that we should all dance around in front of the mirror to her new theme song. Whoever can name it, gets a cookie.

COLLECT THEM ALL!

2006-02-08T13:16:00.000-05:00

How many times has this happened to you?

You are at a party and you are arguing with your friend about something. Maybe you think the world is flat. Maybe 2 + 2 really does equal 5. The point is, you are right and you know it, but you lack the “facts” to back it up.

Well, you never have to worry about that problem again. Life Information Abridgement Representatives (LIAR), the creators of Convenient Theories for You Magazine, brings you the Steven’s Big Book of Fake Facts series!

Start with the book that started it all, Steven’s Big Book of Fake Religious Facts! First, you will learn that Vatican II never actually happened and that the Catholic mass is still in Latin. You thought Jesus was a peacemaker – Let Steven tell you how he ate babies. You and your church feed the homeless on the weekends – Learn the fake truth from Steven that you are actually poisoning them. Read and open your eyes to the fake possibilities that Jesus hates your face.

Then move on to other great books in the series like, Steven’s Big Book of Fake Economics Facts and Steven’s Big Book of Fake Facts: Battle of the Sexes! Read Steven’s Big Book of Fake Horstmann Facts coauthored by none other than Horstmann family patriarch and compulsive liar, John Horstmann!

Confound your friends who know actual facts! Convince idiots that you are really smart!

Let's all show the world that the truth is just a lie that thinks it is better than everyone else!

Supplies are limited. Order NOW!

Hey!! It's ME!!

2006-02-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

So when one avoids one’s own blog for a really, absolutely obscene amount of time, there is a lot of pressure. That comeback blog has to be awesome because you don’t want people to say, “You know, come to think of it…I don’t remember why I missed her to begin with.” And all that pressure means that you never write that blog because you never can come up with something that would represent how truly, brilliantly funny you are for all eternity.

But rest assured, loyal readers, I have thought of you. Helen and I have had many hilarious, giggling sessions discussing our next blog entry. I even attempted to write a few, but when you close a blog entry with “I guess you had to be there…”, you know something is not quite right.

Anyway, I am over it. So now this is my first blog back and it is not funny, so I can just relax and write whatever kind of entries I want. I can also start criticizing others for the lack of posts to their blogs, Steven. Ahhhhh, it is good to be back!

2005 Entertainment Wrap-up

2006-01-11T23:46:00.000-05:00

We've had this conversation a number of times recently, so feel free to play along at home. (Click the link for IMDB's most rated movies of the year.) Excluding the film festival, I saw 20 movies that were released this year.

My top 3:
1. Harry Potter
2. Serenity
3. Goodnight, and Good Luck.

Near misses: Hitch, Wedding Crashers, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Constant Gardener
2005 movies recommended, or still to be watched: Crash (Sara), King Kong (Louis), Pride and Prejudice (Marlon), Syriana, Munich, Brokeback Mountain

Top 3 albums of the year, based on when I added them to my iTunes:
1 (with a bullet!) Bloc Party (thanks to Kris, boo, yes, boo to Jane and Steven)
2. Verve Remixes
3. The Shout Out Louds

Near Misses: Scissor Sisters, Death Cab, VHS or Beta, Razorlight
Special thanks to my friendly neighborhood music connectiions this year: Kris, Daddy (keep those UK music mags + cds coming!) and Neighborhoodies (free track every day!)

Florida: Day 4 -Chilling out

2005-12-30T11:30:00.000-05:00

"Welcome to Celebration - Now Snowing Nightly! 6, 7, 8 and 9 PM"

There's a giant banner that says that as you drive into Celebration AKA the town that Disney built. We are very excited and want to go check it out. What do Floridian children get to see as snow? The first night, we missed the snow, but it was on the ground still melting, which just pumped us up further. Last night, we saw it.

It was soap.

They prepped the ground with a base coat that they shot out of a giant soap hose. Then, at 6, 7, 8 and 9, they blow soap suds down from giant boxes attached to the light poles. And parents let their babies run around in it, sit in it, throw it at each other. Why don't you just put them in the bath tub?

Evening timeline:
5 PM: walk around Celebration checking out restaurants and movie times
5:30: make reservations for dinner at 7
6:15: Daddy says, "I want to go see Narnia at 8!"
6:30: mad scramble for restaurant
6:45: start dinner
7:53: dinner is over. "See, I told you we'd have plenty of time!" Good thing the restaurant is next door to the movie theater.

Steven, Jane and I had already seen Narnia, so we decided to go check out Orlando, courtesy of Kris's directions. We freestyle up to Winter Park to check out the scene, then backtrack to downtown Orlando. What do we come upon on our way back but (seemingly) every motorcycle in Orlando! Yes, right outside Mama B's Giant Subs, there are at least 200 bikes lining the streets, and people hanging out everywhere. Just as we come down the block, so do two cop cars. Jane and I want to see what is going on; Steven wants to jet. After 12 or 15 blocks, we convince him to go back.

Just as we pull up, a showdown with the cops! A biker speeds off! A cop jumps in front of his bike and pulls a gun on him! The biker stops, and the cop forces him off his bike. (It turns out the gun is a taser.) The cops are yelling at him, and bikers are going by and yelling at the cops. An Italian princess is standing next to us, and her limo driver is translating everything that is going on (including some biker yelling out, "you're a weenie!" as he drives past the cop trying to move the now-confiscated motorcycle.)

Jane had never seen anyone get arrested, so this has been the highlight of her trip so far. Jane, I always knew you were my real daughter.

Florida: Day 3 - Universal

2005-12-29T10:59:00.000-05:00

My very first trip to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure, and as Caroline predicts, my very last. Or at least, her very last. Which is why we absolutely MUST accompany her on the Jurassic Park ride! She has a weakness for log flume rides which must be quenched. I do not like being wet a) when it is less than 90 degrees outside b) in my normal clothes and c) primarily on my head and shoulders, so I do not like log flume rides. No matter how much each of us explain this to her, Caroline persists in believing it is because we just hate her. Current JP tally: 47 requests to ride this ride. I think Steven is weakening.

Universal Studios has come up with an absolutely brilliant plan for line-jumping. The single rider line is my new best friend. By agreeing to ride by yourself, you can cut your line time in half, or sometimes more. Sometimes, you still get to ride together! And you know what? I can just talk to you about the ride 30 seconds after it ends, rather than as we push our lap bar away. Note: single-rider lines are not good for people who like to hide their faces in the person next to them. Jane, that means you.

Another benefit of Universal over Disney. They pump real music into the park, not Christmas music (hello? It's over!) covered by Disney characters.

The downside of Universal? They're loving the coasters there. Space Mountain aside, I am a major coaster wimp, and will not ride anything that loops the loop, goes backwards, or has any serious risk of my shoes flying off. Haven't people heard about their brains banging around in their skulls like a clapper in a bell?

That being said, Universal has learned about the magic of the movies. The Mummy ride is a coaster, I guess, in the sense that it runs on a track, and there are a couple of drops. If it were outside, it would be a lame, tiny baby coaster. But they put it inside, and they blast you with fire and water and mummies that jump out at you. THAT'S a good ride.

Florida: Day 2 - Disney

2005-12-28T10:54:00.000-05:00

It's a small world after all. I mean, a small park. The last time I went to Disney, I was 8. It seemed massive. So large, in fact, that we never even went to Tomorrowland, which I was going to be certain to see this time around.

Let's just start by saying, I don't know how Disney does it. The park is about the same size as any other theme park you might go to. They have lines over an hour long for nearly every ride in the park unless you are there after 9. (Let's just say I now know why all those babies in Denny's were still up.) And yet millions of families go there every year! I know a little something about babies, and I will tell you, babies do NOT love lines.

But you know what they do love? Renting Disney strollers, it seems. If a family has small children, a stroller seems almost guaranteed to follow. Yet there were thousands of families renting Disney strollers! Why? Are they scared that their stroller is going to get stolen? Disney fingerscans everyone entering the park. Surely they could catch a stroller thief (unless you manage to pull off the heist using only your ring finger, pinkie and thumb.)

Even Tomorrowland was only OK. And we didn't even get to ride Space Mountain! All in all, even my mom admitted, Disney's just not that magical without some childlike amazement. My amazement level? 2. Maybe if I had seen some of the Princesses(tm), I would have been more pumped.

Florida: Day 1

2005-12-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

The key question I forgot to ask Kris: Where can we eat great, even late? We took a flight destined for arrival at 9:45. Then Southwest lost my mom's bag, which ate up another hour at the airport. The family whose house were in provided directions to the grocery store, so Steven and I zipped over there, only to discover they closed at 11. So we end up with a choice of Denny's or IHOP.

Apparently, babies love to burn the midnight oil in Orlando. I have never seen so many children up at midnight! There were at least 30 in the restaurant. Also, it seems Denny's employees are not that keen to work overtime at midnight. There was a shouting match between several waitpeople and the manager, and 1 person stormed out the front door. What does this mean for us? A 30 minute wait to have dinner.

What do we see as we are returning home? A Wendy's. It's still open. Oh! I say, we'll have to remember this for next time. Jane said, I saw it on the way over. Bah, Jane. Bah.

I know you.

2005-12-22T17:04:00.000-05:00

I've spotted you while you slobber all over your sugar stick. Learn how to eat! You're not five anymore, your red spit shouldn't collect at the bottom of your candy cane wrapper. So cut that out. Control your slobber, it sicks me out.

What 5 college apps will do to a girl

2005-12-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

Jane is on hiatus until she finishes her remaining 3 applications, but to tide you over until she returns, some tidbits from The Unnamed Wellness Center's new Therapudic Ventologist (names changed to protect the innocent):

our parents hate me!
scene: kitchen where dinner has obviously been made, i enter the dining room, my lonely spot is barren "did you happen to make any food for your dear daughter" uhh no sorry
not even a lame excuse like well when we saw you eating pringles we thought it was your dinner
just a no!

dear som and had: i'm really stressed out the least you can do is make me a few squares of ravioli, it's not like we eat dinner in the first place

dear crown, despite the fact that my parents have agreed to pay full tuition for college, i want to tell you do not fall into their trap. they do not love me. here's why:
sunday, they went to a christmas party and got home at 9:30 and ate dinner then
lucky i had a pot pie or else i wouldn't have had a left arm today
also, why are you single handedly ruining my life! don't try to put the blame on those other nonexistent people, cause it's their fault, but way more yours. you should feel ashamed!

YOU'RE ON FIRE,
HANE!

that's right my signature deserves an exclamation point
i'm trying to express my feelings

A Memo to Retail: Please reset your calendars.

2005-12-17T23:44:00.000-05:00

'Tis the season to spend all your time and energy shopping for other people. But even if you come from the kind of family that doesn't feel the need to produce a minimum of n squared gifts for n family members, you still may find yourself shopping. Why? Because you will have approximately 1 week after Christmas to buy any sweaters, jackets, turtlenecks or bottoms made out of anything besides cotton you may need before next July. J.Crew, I'm talking to you. Thanks for getting your "resort" catalog out early, because I will *definitely* be needing my white denim miniskirt any day now.

The Greatest American Lip Balm

2005-12-05T11:31:00.000-05:00

Do you ever find something that you find incredibly amazing, an A+ example of its genre, and then you start telling your friends about it, and they just say, "yeah, it's pretty good."? No, it's not pretty good, it's AMAZING!

This lip balm is not like that. It is the "best lip balm ever" of all Horstmanns surveyed. I hoard my sticks like so much gold. Steven is limited to one coat a day, otherwise he will eat through my stores. I refuse to throw out sticks just because the plastic scrapes my lips; there's still a good quarter-inch of balm down there!

Sadly, this lip balm falls into the genre of "things so great, they had to stop making them". I will tell you more about it, just because I have googled this more than once, so maybe one day, this post will become the meeting place of all true fans of this balm.

It's Crabtree and Evelyn Lip Balm. It has no other name. It is in a white tube, with a white label. Its label: Ingredients: Petrolatum USP, White Mineral Oil, Carnauba Wax, Tenox II, Vanillin, Tincture Benzoin, Thymol, Oil Peppermint. Distribution By 1999 Crabtree & Evelyn LTD. Woodstock Hill CT 06281, USA.

OK, so it's an old school lip balm. It doesn't have any shea butter or jojoba or fancy all natural oils. It doesn't make your lips shiny. But it does protect your lips, and it's thick, so thick that you don't have to reapply every 5 seconds. And it has the most wonderful smell. Do you know that perfect first half second on peppermint Tic Tacs, before the mint has kicked in, and you get a wave of vanilla instead? THAT is what it smells like.

They used to give it out on US Airways international business flights. My dad has probably been given a hundred of these sticks over the years. If only he knew their value! One of the best things Jane ever gave me was a stick of this lip balm that she salvaged out of a travel case long ago. When I told Anne that Jane gave me a stick, she was so jealous. That's just because her stash ran out years ago.

I'm angsty and like emo.

2005-11-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

Remember when I set the whole world on fire with my eyes? That was now.

School is a waste of time. Whoever told me that senior year is easy/fun is a big ol' liar. So I don't like you, liar. So far I've done one out of my eight college applications, and keep telling myself I still have a month to do them. Plus, I have a stupid research paper on the holocaust, and I desperately want my last line to be "So, the final solution was to drop out of school." I'm pretty sure my academic career could be ruined by the nazis considering the tests, quizzes, and papers I've done on them so it makes sense.

Right so that's my rant.

Onto cool things I dig: footy pajamas. It's too bad you all can't purchase them for yourself, but I spotted them while shopping in Target. At first I said, what kid this big would wear footy pajamas, and then I thought who else but me! It seems as though they're unavailable now, but you shuld bask at their greatness, and think to your self, man I wish my pajama pants had feet on them.

Why was the blog dead?

2005-11-30T01:01:00.000-05:00

I blame it on two people: Sarah and Anne. You see, you may not know this about our blog, but all our very best material comes from IM. Someone says something funny, the other person says, "you should post that on the blog", they do, end of story.

You know what kills IMs? Real conversation. And you know what? No matter how much we laugh about Steven's Great BIG Book of Fake Religious Facts, neither you nor I will take the time to write it up and post it to the blog.

Ask yourself, does it seem like a coincidence that Jane posted ONCE while Sarah was here? It's no coincidence. Sarah was sucking up all your blogs for her greedy little self! And what about Anne? That whole house of hers can probably keep you in stitches all the live long day about the funny things Mary did and said while she was down there, but did she have time to gab it up on IM? She had too many "events" to go to.

And I, of course, get to spend all my days with Mr. Anger Management, who's busy fighting the man and ranting about injustice in the world. Try making a joke about that stuff, and the best you can hope for from him:

"That's not funny; that's inappropriate."

Rejoice, Mary! You need not wake at 3:55 any more!

2005-11-30T00:38:00.000-05:00

Recent executive branch members and/or chiefs of staff who do not have law degrees:

Madeleine Albright
Al Gore
Dick Cheney
Andrew Card
George H.W. Bush
John Sununu
Jimmy Carter

Actually, that's not entirely true. Madeleine has an honorary degree, but I told you to wait for one of those anyway.

Bah Humbug, Make those Stupid Lawn Ornaments Go Away!

2005-11-29T19:43:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. The time when people start littering the streets with illuminated crap. I know lots of people like Christmas lights. But lights, people, are not the problem. The problem is animatronic reindeer, entire villages on front lawns, and my new current bane, INFLATABLE illuminated crap. Why have a plastic Santa the size of a small child when you could have an inflated Santa the size of your whole house?

When driving around Ridley Park this weekend in search of a shanty town (note: shanty town located! 15 tents and a roaring bonfire at the end of a street? All you need is some corrugated tin, and you've got everything you need.), we stumbled upon one of those blocks where the entire neighborhood seems to be competing for the largest electricity bill on the block. The most favored item on this block? Illuminated candy canes! Who even wants illuminated candy canes? They are the stupidest of all lawn ornaments, and I hate them.

But the only thing I hate more is Steven.

The End

How to look adorable

2005-11-23T17:23:00.000-05:00

I'm on a new quest, to look just as adorable as Zooey Deschanel. It's doable. I've decided that although those bangs are cute, the would require me to blow dry them so they aren't all crazy-like, but Helen believes I just need the perfect product. So I'm gonna get the bangs a.) because I'm me and get bored very quickly by my hair and b.) I want to look cute as a button too. So you, children of the night, tell me what product works for you.

P.S. I'm not made out of money, let's not pretend.

A letter to the world

2005-10-02T18:00:00.000-04:00

To ye of little faith:
No one likes you. Remember that time you never went to the shore? Well, I do. Have you ever attended high school? I lead a busy life. I have to do things like my homework and get into college. And when I get into the college of my choice, I will prove to you how I don't need to blog to rock.

I don't mean to call you out, but where's your blog?

You're jealous,
Jane

NEXT great city? We're great now!

2005-09-28T17:26:00.000-04:00

For anyone who hasn't heard, Philadelphia has been named "The Next Great City" by National Geographic Traveler. (Not the same as the magazine where you can find the newest species or place to bleed your heart all over, boppy.) However, it says:

But Bellows said the city's self-image still needs a little work: "Philly has a little bit of an underdog sense of itself and it doesn't even realize how great it is."

I've had enough of that. Mary and I will be spearheading the "Heck YES Philly's great!" program. Ask Mary's roommates. Or Louis (who is primarily benefiting from the eating portion of the program.) Jane, our associate member who may only participate in the "Heck Yes PHILADELPHIA's great" campaign, has volunteered to start a Philadelphia club at the college of her choice. We can't just stand idly by! What will you do?

Photos!

2005-08-18T15:35:00.000-04:00

Relive the Blackwood Blast in minute detail with:

Meng:
Nick:
Steven:
Meng again:

Much thanks to all our shutterbugs!

Did you take pictures? Email me, or just post 'em, and let me know where you put them.

Just call me Trista.

2005-08-06T01:25:00.000-04:00

Twice the bachelorette, soon to be the bride. Yes, that's right, I've had not one, but TWO bachelorette parties. Here are the rules for awesome bachelor/ette events.

1) Hire Brandon as your event coordinator. Even though I am related to a professional event coordinator, I would not hesitate to recommend Brandon and his awesome hotdog-centric dares.

2) HOTDOG-CENTRIC DARES! Really, need I say more on this topic? You try daring someone to eat a hotdog with ketchup and no bun; then you'll truly see what I mean.

3) Let's do Dorney! Maybe you think bachelor/ette parties need to involve some nudity. But where, Helen, can I go, see the naked peoples, but not feel ashamed to have my significant other see the evidence later? That would be the famed Dorney Park, where even the two-year-olds are wearing the string bikinis. It's called Wild Water Kingdom for a reason.

4) Nothing's more important than a theme, like the honoree's favorite movie. For instance, if the their favorite movie was Iron Giant, maybe you could both ride Steel Force, and give them lots of magnets as party favors. Or, of their favorite movie was Hoosiers, you could fill their day with high fives, towels snapping at their butt, and rip-away sweats.

5) A little drinky-drinky goes a long way. For more evidence, see Steven (linked above.) Clearly only a completely booze-soaked fool would have made that last post.

6) Nothing says fun like the threat of finding yourself onstage, so whether it's a club, karaoke, or the fabulous Summer Stock Dancers at the aforementioned Park of Dorney, make sure the fetee feels the burn (or at least the threat of the burn) of the spotlight.

Pobox Book Club: Join Today!

2005-06-30T15:38:00.000-04:00

I'm in a book club, and I keep talking about it. Kitten got mad, and told me I had to start another book club. The Pobox book club. Then, when I said we had to pick a book, she started in on, "Gosh! Wouldn't it be great if one of us had a web page that everyone read, and could leave their vote about what book to read?!" Bah.

So, we're starting a book club. Here are the initial picks. You can vote for as many books as you want. Top two vote-getting books will have a run-off vote by email. You can also submit your votes on these books by email.

If you vote, you're in the club. If you don't vote, you're not. This will be the only time we do this vote on the blog.

Th e Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
The Devil in the White City
Bliss
Broke Diaries

We now return to your regularly scheduled silence.

Paninis: Eating is believing.

2005-06-14T23:22:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I finally talked Steven into opening up our new panini maker, and tossing off a couple of sandwiches.

First off, it makes something edible out of previously frozen italian bread. (Sara, did I ever tell you about the time Steven found a seltzer bottle in the freezer, and thought you had taken your "everything stays fresher in the freezer" concept to its furthest extreme?) This is especially good because we now have an endless supply of bread to freeze, since an unnamed ravioli store does not sell day-old bread.

Second, has there ever been a sandwich on earth that did not taste better with a hot, crusty grill mark across its flank? We started immediately with level 2 sandwiches: apples and cheese, and PB & N (that's nutella, duh), and oh man! They are SO good! Those little ridges! That smushy internal texture! That hard shell converting once dry, dusty freezer bread into a treat that cannot be surpassed!

Please feel free to post your panini ideas here.

Also, for my entry in the bake-off, I will simply be converting other entries into paninis. Mmm, pie panini!

Boo! I'm adorable.

2005-06-08T11:39:00.000-04:00

All I do is try to get you to love me, and what do I get? A whole lotta nothing! It's true, I think people don't read us anymore because of our few and far between updates. Once Sara, my own flesh and blood stopped reading I knew things were going down hill from there. Never fear loyal blog readers, summer is here and blogging is my specialty. Although I'm pretty busy right now trying to watch all of Gilmore Girls Season 3 (the season of Dave Rygowski), after that's over I'll be blogging more.

Are you ready to get pumped? I mean really, really pumped?
Here's a little dialogue for your amusement or to disgust you*, your choice:
* Please don't read if you love Jesus and/or fetuses

For Prize Day at school yesterday I did the benediction to close the school year.
Helen: How did your benediction go?
Me: Oh, awesome, the whole room gave me a standing ovation, and then I was like, "Jesus is #1," as I did a victory lap around the gym. Of course after my victory lap, I walked went up to the mic, yelled out, "I'm killing fetuses all summer long. Come visit me at Planned Parenthood. Then I slapped sister in the face and took a second victory lap screaming, "Down with fetuses, up with me!"

P.S. None of this really happened, please don't protest or burn down my house.

Who is this cheesy?

2005-05-27T15:22:00.000-04:00

If you are a cheesy person yourself, you can stop reading now.

I have been trying to avoid blogging about the wedding, because it is not really interesting to anyone. But I was trying to find cheap candles today, when I found this "poem" instead. In case anyone was trying to come up with the sappiest shower present ever, I have now topped personalized garden stones (your name + his name + his last name = BARF!)

A Basket of Candles
For Bitsy

A basket of candles That come in a pair
In all different colors, For you two to share
The white ones burn first
They are wrapped in white lace
To celebrate your first married night
In your new chosen place
The green pair is taller, and also much thinner
Burn with the first company, you have over for dinner
The dark blue candles are for after your first fight
Use them to burn while making up all night
Pink candles set the mood and pave the way
For your first married Valentine’s Day
Now, when your first year of marriage is through
The cream anniversary pair, will light for you two.
Red candles aflame, both your futures are bright.
Celebrate promotions you’ve worked toward with all of your might.
By this time we hope, maybe, just maybe
You can light the purple ones, on the birth of your baby,
And just when you thought, you’d put these away
Take the light blue ones out-for your fifth anniversary day.
Now just one more pair left-for the big 2 5
The anniversary pair that will keep your love alive
Congratulations bride and groom (enter names)
On the start of your forever
May the two of you always be happy together
And burn these candles
Just the way we said
But please don’t forget-blow them out before bed!

The cherry on top, though. "I got this poem and basket full of candles at my shower a few weeks ago. It was one of the sweetest gifts I received. I just found the poem online and I thought I'd share it with you for future gifts! I hope you enjoy it b/c it definitely touched me!"

Someone please go register weddingwishestoshare.com. I could totally make a mint off this concept.

A box full of Candy
for someone who's dandy

When someone's as sweet as you and your love
What could be better than Reese's and Dove?
Don't forget Snickers, 'cause that's what we'll do
When you open this package and start to boo-hoo!

See? I'm a natural!

I'm still, I'm still Janie from the block.

2005-05-20T21:34:00.000-04:00

Dearest H Diddy,
Fine, you win, but watch out I could leave you for Ben Affleck whenever my little heart desires.
Love Always,
J. Ho(rstmann)

So I'm busy learning and rowing 24/7 and what do I get crap for? Not blogging. Cool. So what have I been up to? Yes, crew, after a solid 6 months our season finally ends next Saturday. Exams start Monday, only three days though. We went to the U2 concert. Oh, and I went to prom.

Posting a picture is far too complicated on this blog so uh let me reenact some for you.
Ah yes, here's a self portrait of me and Sara winking, the ultimate Horstmann pose.
Took some pictures of the quad, but no good ones, so good thing you don't get to see them.
Ah look, McCrea and I are sitting on a bench, almost as good as a nice Clair Pruett portrait.
Sara took some nice candid action shots. I'm talking to Missy. I'm receiving flowers. I'm walking inside.
Good times.

Wow, I haven't posted in a while. heh. I mean that's not funny.
My To-do List:
1. Blog.
2. Beat Helen with my bully stick.
3. Not rescue Mary from her burning home, and then call her out for not blogging.
4. Get into college.

Guess what? Julie Cooper (from the O.C.) has the same nickname as me. Come on Caleb, couldn't you be a little more original? So writers of the O.C., if you're reading this, back off, JuJu's mine.

Does anyone remember the daughter of the wind?

2005-05-20T19:39:00.000-04:00

Oh,shabanu, I miss you. Those were the days. The days when you posted every day. Sometimes more than once! When you had a PR of 9! When you had a bully stick!

Is this a blast from your past? I made a movie to remind you. I'm callling you out. BLOG OR DIE!

H. Diddy

Ouch. Snow Patrol hates me.

2005-05-19T15:00:00.000-04:00

I cannot remember the last time a tour I wanted to see did not stop in Philadelphia. What did I do to you, Snow Patrol? Does your mom's cousin live in Norfolk, Virginia, and that's why you're stopping there instead of here? Was it your childhood dream to get your picture taken with Mickey Mouse in front of Sleeping Beauty's castle, and that's why Orlando gets more of your love than I do? Have I not done my part? Did I not make everyone listen to your album, and taunt them for not having the bonus tracks that I, as an iTunes user, got for free? Maybe it's because Apple won't let me share their stupid tracks with people on my local network, and thus kitten did not get to listen to the album.

On another note, when you see someone's age published, do you believe it? This week's iTunes free track is by a supposed 17 year-old named Kyle Riabko. And when I read that, my first reaction was, "yeah, right." Not that he looks or sounds particularly old, I guess, but seriously. Not everyone in the world can be as young as they claim to be. Tiger Girl, I'm talking to you. There's no way you're 16.

The dog days of May

2005-05-09T18:49:00.000-04:00

On our recent trip to Portland, we saw an ad for pet accoutie store called Bark'n Roll. Now, normally, these stores are filled with the kind of things that pet lovers find adorably indespensible, and I call crap. But, this ad was offering something special. Something that would, I think, truly justify a trip to their little store.

A self-service dog wash.

That's right, for only $12, you come in, choose your favorite doggie shampoo, outfit yourself with smocks, and you and your pooch head back into their state-of-the-art dog wash facility. Now, $12 might sound a little steep for the privilege of washing one's own dog, but think about it. Besides the bins at waist height, and those nice little squirty guns like you have in your kitchen sink, and a little ramp so Poochie doesn't have to suffer the indignity of being lifted into the sink, you don't have to clean your bathroom afterwards. You don't have to worry about puppy getting out of the bathroom, and shaking dry all over the house. That sounds well worth $12 to me.

Appparently, it appeals to other people as well. The Bark'n Roll website makes frequent mention of it being "Portland's original self-service dog wash". Should've trademarked the idea.

Also, Mary, take note. Steven came up with a new career opportunity for Z-dog. Puppy Matchmaker! Why do people buy dogs at pet stores and puppy mills? They don't know what the right kind of dog is for them, so they want to see a lot of choices. If you know you're looking for a poodle or a rhodesian ridgeback, you know to find a reputable breeder, yadda yadda yadda.

But what if you don't know what kind of dog is right for you? You need a puppy matchmaker. She comes to your house, interviews you (and your other pets), maybe brings a "test dog" with her, so she can see how you react to dogs. Then, she presents you with pictures and profiles of 10 dogs that she thinks would be right for your family. You can meet up to 3 of them (more for an additional fee.) She will have a book full of success stories, where you realize, flipping through, that it's true what they say about pets looking like their owners, and you start wondering what your love of white fluffy dogs says about you. The New York Times writes a profile about the service. Your pet owner buddies stop judging you on the breed you picked, and start asking what matchmaker you used. There is totally a market for this service.

OMG my baby is the cutest!!!!

2005-05-06T11:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Steven:

Thanks for sending me all those cute pictures of your nephew. What a treat! (Although what gives? I would be a little mad that Hooters is getting more coverage than that way cute T-Bone bib you showed me.) Anyway, I just thought I would show you some pictures of MY baby. She's a little angrier than T-Bone, but I love her anyway. I hope you like them. Click on the one below for more cute-cute-cute!

Love,
Helen

P.S. Does anyone still send those lame-o hallmark cards anymore? Maybe un-crafty people. But for craft-masters like myself, homemade cards are the only way to go! I was going to punch this one up with some stamping, but the L-O-V-E stamper is $12! That's crazy talk.

You can't take the sky from me!

2005-05-06T10:11:00.000-04:00

Last year, they canceled my beloved Firefly. Several months later, on the strength of booming DVD sales of the 13 episodes Joss managed to produce before FOX pulled the plug, a movie was announced. I was excited (more Firefly! Joss's first movie) but scared (what if they make it bad, and dump it, and it never gets released?)

The trailer for Serenity came out last Friday. Now I am excited. Why? Four words.

Major Motion Picture Event.

That's right. Somebody cut together a cool looking trailer, with lots of action, added some angry action songs, and green techno text, and called it a major motion picture event. Check the trailer, then join me and all my geek brethren September 30th.

Soho Cupcake Company: A review

2005-05-05T15:09:00.000-04:00

Inspired my Mary rating Caroline's blog and my post-lunch desire to help people, I have purchased and consumed a cupcake, which I will now rate for your munching pleasure. It uses ice skating's time-honored judging technique: start with your maximum possible score, then deduct for errors. As the foodstuff being rated is a cupcake, it is starting, naturally, with a 10. Maybe an 11. Efforts by the Canadian judges to tamper with my scoring will be met with the highest possible scorn in the worldwide judging arena.

-1: Too expensive. You're not in Manhattan anymore, SCC! $2.10 for your itty bitty cupcake is a major rip-off. And do you think anyone is crazy enough to pay $4 for a "large" cupcake? If it costs $4, it should be as big as my head!
-.5: Staff Incompetence. Your staff girl did not know that there was a difference between devil's food and chocolate cake. Even if you don't sell any devil's food in your store, you've got no business working in a cupcake store if you aren't aware of the EXISTENCE of devil's food cake.
-2: Hard icing! To me, both the cupcake and its icing should be soft. If i want hard icing, I will eat a doughnut. Sayeth Hans D: "putting hard icing on a cupcake is like getting a comfortable mattress and putting plywood on top of it." While I think that is a bit harsh, it is rather like one of those stiff comforters that does not move with you, but rather hovers above you like a force field. A technical failure to achieve the basic requirements of a cupcake leads to a major point deduction.

Final rating for the Soho Cupcake Company: 6.5. Better luck next time! Perhaps consider adding the triple axel to up your maximum score.

Does this blog suck?

2005-05-05T11:14:00.000-04:00

So there has been a lot of action in the blog territory as of late. Not here, of course, but else where. Steven has been posting a lot of pictures lately. And not just any pictures, but pictures of adorable babies. How can we compete with that? Link to Anne Gedes photos? I am sorry, but I don't have any pictures of Helen's refrigerator. Despite the fact that Steven loves that incredible Hulk green color (which he claims that "people" love, even though all of the people he names are imaginary), his "new and improved" blog lives up to the hype - it is both new AND improved.

Caroline has also undergone a blogging renessiance. Caroline has always had the market cornered on quantity, but it seems she is started to address the serious flaw in her previous blog work - namely the "quality" issue. The new rating system for entries has this reader saying, "I rate this blog a 10!" (Okay, probably not a ten, but I felt that was the logical rhythm of that sentence, and what can I say? I am addicted to the rhythm.)

So now it is truth time. Does this blog suck?

EDITOR'S NOTE: I am not sure if I want comments to this question. Maybe from hdp, because I feel like he might give it to me straight, but people who intend to write, "No, your blog doesn't suck. It just needs special love and attention." need not apply. I don't need your pity tunes! And that goes double for you, DAVE!

Improving your quality of life

2005-05-04T17:39:00.000-04:00

As an angsty teenager who only worries about school, crew and college, I feel I have the authority on improving your quality of life. I'm happy all the time (see link) even when I'm rowing at 9 am on a windy Sunday, just after it rained, in New Jersey. What? Bitter? Never.

Eat a popsicle, or ice cream or ice cream novelty of your choice. If anything tastes like summer it's definitely popsicles. Don't believe that air at the shore crap, eating a popsicle is like putting three months of glory in your mouth. If you don't like ice cream novelties, I don't like you. Maybe you should go home and contemplate if you deserve to have your quality of life improved.

Write large and prove to the world you're mentally healthy! Did you know that writing small is sign of mental illness? I did, that's obviously why I write so small. See Dr. Helen Horstmann for more information on this topic.

Buy a puppy! Alternatively, buy me a puppy! Preferably a small one because big dogs are scary.

Coming soon: pictures of me wearing bibs, being, fed, being held, leaving the competition in the dust, etc.

Dog-o-scopes

2005-04-28T00:25:00.000-04:00

Editor's note: dog-o-scopes are based on rather limited knowledge of dogs, primarily gleaned from Disney movies. Please do not write in to tell us that dogs do not actually eat pasta.

Aries: This is a very daschound time for you. Chin up! Even though you feel like you're constantly in people's way, remember, you always make them laugh.
Taurus: Let your emotional pitbull out for a little activity. Just remind him not to eat the entire contents of the medicine cabinet.
Gemini: Your future is a little spotty, dalmatian. Avoid crazy drivers and ladies in fur coats.
Cancer: Remember, sometimes your future is not what it appears on the surface. You're having a mutt of a month.
Leo: Are you suddenly craving licorice? Taking all your little plaid jackets out of the closet? Sounding like a sqeaky toy that everyone ignores? Don't worry, your scottie dog phase will soon pass, leaving behind the true blue you -- a labrador.
Virgo: My dear golden retriever, you are beautiful, smart and everyone loves you. Be careful though - others may begin to resent you. Try chasing your own tail to throw people off.
Libra: Your chow chow nature is making you a little frenetic. Slow down and savor life, before you accidentally eat a baby with your burrito.
Scorpio: Your poodle nature is dominant this month. Embrace your inner pageant contestant, and don't forget the bows!
Sagittarius: You're totally freewheeling, in an indescribable way. The yolk's on you! You're Goofy!
Capricorn: Work hard this month, little greyhound. We don't want you to get shot with a gun.
Aquarius: In the doghouse? Try getting on top of it! Befriend a bird, put on some shades, and feel the beagle spirit take over.
Pisces: With st. bernard and boxer in alignment, you have only one concern this month. Watch out for drool.

I, Mary, take thee, McSweeneys

2005-04-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

Submitted by Pat Roath

Aside from its having far too many syllables for a soft drink, my skepticism toward the new Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper began when someone informed me that "it probably won't make you vomit." To my chagrin, I subsequently found that this was not true. Now, I'm no soda drinker, but I do believe it's a bad sign when the stuff comes up involuntarily. Is it cherry? Is it vanilla? Is it diet? I, unfortunately, could not keep it down long enough to say. More than the flavor, however, it's the carbonation that gets you. I'm not exactly sure how to describe the accompanying sensation other than to say "it gets you." That should be Dr. Pepper's newest ad slogan: "Try NEW Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper—it gets you!"

A Paid Message from our Sponsors

2005-04-15T01:18:00.000-04:00

Steven thinks none of you check his site anymore. He's probably right, since HE HASN'T UPDATED SINCE MARCH 4TH! Maybe he needs to get some blogging buddies, to keep the action moving. Or maybe he should just talk about learning perl.

Anyway, he redesigned it. So go check it out. That's http://www.smavros.com for anyone who can't find the link.

Like a Bat Mitzvah but better!

2005-04-11T17:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so we don't blog enough, we're busy people. I'm off driving illegally. Mary's doing the same thing and getting arrested for it; and Helen's trying to become a band roadie. It's a hard life we live. But we've thought of something to make up for our 10-day blogging drought...

A CONTEST!

Here's the rules:
1. Make a sixteen song mix, in which every song mentions the word 'sixteen.'
2. Post it on the Blog.
3. We'll pick the best one and give you and surprise treat.

Oh this isn't totally random, I'm turning the big 1-6. The contest ends April 17th, so rock out with your cock out, and put it on a mix.

Hooray for Lemonade!

2005-04-01T19:57:00.000-05:00

Emmett's brand new web comic is up! All you folks who always wanted to win something out of those crane games will want to be getting over to read it STAT!

As the provider of his new fan list, all I have to say is, I better be getting one of those sweet button sets in the mail.

Why don't I have Tivo?

2005-03-25T12:23:00.000-05:00

Spring break began on Wednesday and what have I done since then? Eat, sleep, and watch tv. When I saw watch tv, I really mean Boy Meets World. I go out at night, and there's nothing good on tv in the middle of the day. Instead of watching last night's episode of the O.C., I've been breezing through Boy meets World. I only have two episodes left in the season. If I had Tivo I could watch Project Runway, The O.C., America's Next Top Model, the possibilities are endless. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, I won't be watching Passions for the next week. On Monday, at 5:30 in the morning I leave for Kentucky. We're going to build houses for a week, should be a good time.

Here's a little hypothetical for you to consider: If your fiancee and your two sisters were in a burning building, and all of their legs were broken, who would you rescue? Now, I'm not engaged, but I would go for the two for one deal. I mean come on, we're the funniest people I know.

Cloning Experiment

2005-03-24T16:45:00.000-05:00

I am running a little experiment, and I need a picture of Mac to complete the experiment. If you have one, send it to me at mary@pobox.com. I will be permanently indebted to you and I will share with you the fruits of my labor.

Are you there, God? It's me, Crafty.

2005-03-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

I have been searching for a crafty hobby. Computers are not always where it's at. Sadly, after a trip to AC Moore, I have discovered that it is my fate to either be a knitter or a fake flower arranger. There was a really huge stamp section that I thought was cool, but then I realized:

1) Stamps cost $3.50 a piece. I don't think I could get $3.50 of use out of a stamp that says "you're special."
2) If you buy the kit that just has all the letters separately, you can stamp
any message you want, but they all look like a ransom note, so what's the point?
3) I can't think of any picture stamp that I could stamp more than, say, 5 times without getting totally sick of it.
4) All their "example" crafts were handmade cards. I don't really use regular cards. Why might I possibly start making my own cards?

Scrapbooking was another possibility, but Steven might come home one day and find me with do-jiggies stuck all over me, so I think it might be too risky.

Kitten correctly ascertained my true crafty hobby -- furniture refinishing -- but it sadly requires a basement. Kitten, you can totally be my lifecoach anyway.

!Live Blog! Horstmanns "horse" around at the Cresset Dinner

2005-03-11T16:14:00.000-05:00

Location: Hyatt on the Waterfront
Event: Cresset dinner honoring the parents
Correspondent: Mary

5:35 pm Arrive. I am allegedly a full half hour early. There are about a badrillion people there already.
5:37 pm Go to the restaurant bar to get quarters for the meter. Hear "Well, that is obviously a Horstmann!" I say hi. I am about 60% confident I know this woman name. "Marcia Bergdorf Dewitt." D'oh! That was an easy one. Start using the line I will use all night. "Of course! Marcia! Thank you so much for coming. I know it really means a lot to my parents."
5:39 pm Going to the meter to put the change in. Run into Uncle Jimmy. I wonder if I am not, in fact, covered in feces - he is just THAT excited to see me.
5:42 pm Officially arrive at banquet. Approximately 60 people watch me enter, confident that I am a Horstmann, but they are not sure which one. I debate taking off my name tag in attempt to further confound them.
5:45 pm Realize that Helen and I are wearing nearly identical outfits, she in the pants version and I in the skirt. I try to decide on a name for the girl pop band that we are clearly forming. I settle on "pUPpies & kisses".
5:46 pm - 6:30 pm I just keep repeating this over and over: "Mary", "I am number 4 (this includes the hand gesture to emphasize my fourness).", "21", "I am working on a congressional campaign.", "Great! Great.", "I'm sorry. Will excuse me? I have to go to the bathroom."
5:55 pm Observation: I think there is a height ceiling for nun ordinations. "You must be this short to ride with Jesus."
6:20 pm Discuss the finer points of surviving a cocktail hour with Helen. Always say "It is great to see you," and not "Nice to meet you." They always think that you have met them before, when in reality they met Caroline.
6:35 pm Recognize that eye contact is the enemy. Do a careful study of my shoes.
7:05 pm People enter the dining room. Helen, Caroline and I play a game where we hide in the bathroom to see if Jane will explode without us there. Caroline sucks at this game and gives up after 33 seconds.
7:25 pm Choppy Rouse arrives. Never one to disappoint, her hair threatens to take over the whole room. Lipstick is the understated flamingo pink.
8:01 pm Helen does a pretty phenomenal impression of Oprah, with the walk/talk action. Debate campaign slogan for when I run her for Congress. How about "Kicking ass and taking names: Helen Horstmann for Congress"?
8:15 pm Mrs. McNulty tells stories about mommy and daddy that are funny, interesting, AND embarrassing. A special shout out to The Other Woman. I am becoming friends with Mrs. McNulty yesterday.
8:25 pm Parents speak. Proceed to practically make out on stage. Very Tipper/Al moment. They get yelled at by our priest. Someone else yells, "Get a room." Not Jane, though. Definitely not Jane.
8:30 pm Post dinner mingle. Get repeatedly congratulated on my speech. Start by telling people it wasn't me. End by saying, "I was good, wasn't I?"

I get bored at work, and you win.

Power Rankings

2005-03-09T10:47:00.000-05:00

A delightful little ditty from the wonderful people at McSweeney's.

On a completely unrelated note: would you rather a short, boring post or no post at all?

Crap, I totally just posted about a book.

2005-03-02T16:32:00.000-05:00

There are three things I love in life:
1. Puppies
2. Boxes of love
3. Snow days

Snow days, much like exchange, free up my life. In case you were wondering, I had an early dismissal on thursday and monday and a snow day yesterday. Snow days give me time to do all sorts of fun things, such as:

Name my iPod. Last thursday, 2/24/05 Franklin died, RIP. He and his hard drive just weren't meant to be. I took him to have a good looking at. Steven checked him out, and told me there was no hope. I didn't take it well. Franklin was a good iPod, let's all take a moment to reflect on the good times we had together...okay so the rest of you didn't share many memories with Franklin, but I was pretty sure he was my soulmate, with his great music taste, and beefy 40 gigs. So Helen went to the apple store and replaced Franklin with Marty, the chubby iPod. Despite the fact that Marty is 40 gigs he seems to be bigger than all other 40 gig iPods because he can't quite squeeze into my dock. Oh well, Marty's a cool name, and chubby things rock, like me as a baby.

Start books. The secret life of bees - not that good. I tried, I really did. I felt an obligation to read it because my mom gave it to me for Christmas, but it was totally not funny not even close. I mean I got over my whole "I only read funny books" phase, but this was just boring and cheesy. So I moved on to another book I've been wanting to read, Breakfast of Champions. Kurt Vonnegurt, where do you come up with these things? I don't know. Is he dead?

Today, while walking home from Harriton I decided I'm going to invest in rain boots. Yeah, check out that link. I know, $40 for rain boots is a little steep. I'll probably just end up buying some at DSW or purchasing some with my christmas card. I think I dig the "tidal blue" although the dog print is very tempting. Okay so I could wear my rain boots when there's snow on the ground (definitely more waterproof than my sneaks) and I could wear them during the summer when I'm walking around town in the rain. That's never fun. Oh, I was walking in snow, that's what inspired me.

All Aboard!

2005-03-01T18:30:00.000-05:00

So, I checked with J, and no one has asked about how to get a ticket on the Awesome Train. Especially not the people who really need to make sure that they are on the Awesome Train, because once it leaves the station, there are no other ways to get to Awesome. "So how do you get on the awesome train," Nobody asks. Well, there are few ways to better secure yourself a seat.

1) Don't join a sorority. They will just make you color your hair, turn you into a lollipop and wear clothing with writing on the butt.

2) Eat something. Everyday. At least 3 times.

3) Read at least one book a month that doesn't star a sassy single girl or hasn't been featured on Oprah.

4) Your face is pretty. Don't wear make up every time you go out.

5) Every two weeks, learn about something that isn't for school.

6) Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

7) Go to your favorite place to eat. Look around you. Do you look and act just like everyone else in the room? Consider why that might not be a good thing.

This blog isn't dead, it's only sleeping!

2005-03-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

Ssh, I am trying to watch a movie! So it has been a good long while since someone posted anything to this blog, and I know Jane has been carrying the bulk of the burden on this bad boy, so I will do my part.

Updates Abound:

Helen doesn't have time to post. I think she has joined a campaign or something, she is so busy. It is the campaign to make sure that she and Steven get married. She is also starting a very successful wedding invitation shop. Only talk to her if you are going to help her with her wedding. Otherwise, she doesn't need you and she never liked you that much anyway.

Caroline doesn't like the bridesmaid dresses that I picked out, even though they are pretty and even though I cannot try any more dresses on because there are none left. Caroline: Do you want pink or green? You are either in or you're out!

Anne is still in India. She switched phone numbers and now only talks to daddy, who never tells anyone what she says. I can neither confirm or deny that Anne is still alive.

Sara understands that even though she doesn't like the dress, she will wear it because she doesn't have a better alternative. I like that Sara girl. She is in! She will be going to New York Fashion Week!

Jane is looking at schools. We went to GW. It had a mouth-breathing, puka shell wearing kid leading the Q&A session. The school had school spirit, which overall I am not that into, but that Jane liked. They also had a food court, which was designed by "Man, I Don't Feel Like I am Going to Vomit Yet, Lets Add Some MORE TVs, Inc." It did have a tower records and a Watergate Hotel, and where else can you go for that? I hope the answer is Boston.

I am living at the Frat House, which I am not allowed to call the Frat House, because it upsets the brothers, and because there is a new girl in the house. I am also dominating in our "name that tune" tournament. I won my last game with the answer "Kodacrome, by Paul Simon." They never stood a chance.

Secret Message to people who need to know: The awesome train is leaving the station. Ask J how you might get a ticket and get onboard.

Game of the week: Celebrity Lookalike Contest! Who looks like Landon from the Real World?

Post rating: 5 out of 10. While it does pretty well in terms of length and you get points for posting when you obviously have nothing to say, it is too heavy on the references to stuff that most people will not get. But they should be watching project runway, and so whose fault is that? Most importantly, it didn't really bring the funny.

So how about this weather?

2005-02-15T22:12:00.000-05:00

Life is boring. I'll be honest with you, I don't blog about knitting or reading because you don't like to read about that, plus I don't have time to read or knit. But I do have time to watch Gilmore Girls, and currently I'm mad. They make us wait 4 seasons for Luke and Lorelai to get together, and they've already broken up. Cool, Luke get your act together. Maybe Lorelai can build him an ice skating rink and they'll love each other again. Also, I hope I'm never refered to as Rory again because she's a whore. I'm sorry Lorelai and Christopher, we'll have to call me something else or High School Rory or HSory for short.

I think the Amish in Reading Terminal are making doughnuts this weekend. Or maybe it was last weekend. You should check that out. In case you didn't know amish is code for tasty which is code for eat me. These doughnuts are better than Krispy Kremes any day of the week and everyone should make it a goal in their life to taste one of these doughnuts. Wow, if that was last weekend I might have to cry.

I took a swim test today for crew. Although I'm aquatically-challenged I still passed, but I wondered if they would really kick me off the crew if I failed. Then again if I failed, I would drown and most likely be afraid of large bodies of water for quite some time. Good thing that hasn't happened.

So Valentine's Day = rocking. Good things on Valentine's day: cake, homemade pop-up card, surprise flowers/candy, cookies, no homework, candy hearts, book by TAL lady, real pop-up card, yeah pretty good for a rainy Monday. I've strategically placed my candy hearts next to the computer and my chocolate on my desk. Ah yes, all candy, all the time. Worst part is the candy hearts are Necco. Although they are tarts, which makes them a little better. Do you chew or suck on your candy hearts? Well I suck on mine, and I had so many yesterday that my tounge actually hurt. Now that's skill.

While searching for a link I found out this weekend is the American Roots Festival. Well if I wanted vegetables I was in luck, but I don't and now I will have to cry. Hope you enjoy that, and not doughnuts!

Your Name .... on a graph!

2005-02-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sure all of you have already been to the census website, looking up how popular your name is. Well, someone made it better by converting that data to a GRAPH! Charting the popularity of your name through time! It's awesome. Go check it out.

Also, not my imagination that every old lady on earth is named Helen. It was a top 10 name from the turn of the century through the 1930s. In fact, in that era, it even ranked in the high 600s as a BOY's name.

I'm growing up

2005-02-02T22:46:00.000-05:00

and it's weirding me out. Things I've done recently that show signs of non-childhood:
1. Register for the SAT's. Why are the closest test-taking locations in Jersey? Unknown.
2. Plan college visits. 4 day weekend without crew = college-a-palooza
3. Tell someone that, "it will look good on my transcript."
4. The death of Dream Chick Jane aka the ultimate screenname. The screen name is gone, but the nickname will never die.

Countdown to Mardi Gras: 6 days
Next time it will snow: never, or not in the next 10 days.

Random Notes: Bright Eyes, digging that. Mr. Bright Eyes (sounds kind of like Blue Sky, eh?) played at The Vote for Change Tour, but I wasn't listening. Now he's giving away his song against W. for free on iTunes. Yes, yes keep on rocking. No, no don't stop rocking. Gilmore Girls is back, and not sucking like it was in the fall. Good work Gilmore Girls, you deserve a treat. SAT prep starts again this Saturday. SATs, why do you haunt my whole life? Kings of Leon are going on tour with u2. Awesome. The Strokes knew how good they were then they told me and now my subliminal messgaes to the Edge have been well received. I'd say that's it. I go to school, crew, shower, homework and sleep. I live an extremely exciting life.

Maybe we will go to New Hampshire, Washington, California, New York...

2005-02-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

So a while ago, I have to admit, I fell in love with someone. But we broke off our relationship after he repeatedly disappointed me. We both knew he wasn't living up to his potential. To be honest, I probably stuck with it longer than I should have, but being with him was like a drug, like drinking kool-aid, producing incredible highs. But with all things that produce such highs, there were also terrible dark lows. After we broke up, I just sat in my house, watching bad daytime television and trying to find the motivation to get dressed.

After that, while I have always cherished our special moments in my heart, I swore I would never allow myself to have my heart broken like that again. But...I think we may be reunited (and it feels so good). I will let you know February 12th.

Happy Birthday Sarzees!

2005-01-24T14:48:00.000-05:00

Why am I posted at 3 pm on a Monday afternoon? Because I have a snow day! That's right, after missing most of the snow days of last year I finally recieved a snow day and lots of snow. and I'm about to go sledding...with boogie boards because all of our sleds are dead. Just thought I should rub it in your face for all you working suckers. Plus, It's Sara's birthday...ah glorious snow, "It's so beautiful"...and magical and fun and cold and I love it. Wow me and that girl at the circus are totally on the same page.

Steven got jumped.

2005-01-20T14:57:00.000-05:00

By 10 of the most incompetent kids on earth. He has a black eye, and a few scrapes. They broke his glasses and his watch. They took $10, and the phone he was going to replace later in the day. They left his credit cards, the spare $20 he hides in his wallet, and his iPod.

It happened in the Market East subway station in the overpass between the two sides of the tracks, at 1PM today. The SEPTA police are looking for the kids, who apparently did the same thing in the 13th st. subway station about 10 minutes earlier.

We're calling lots of cell phone companies. BTW, T-Mobile does not track phones by serial number, and seem quite boggled when we asked them if they could call the police if someone tried to activate a new number on the stolen phone. Also, when the officer called the phone, the punks actually picked it up. The new phone will be activated shortly. You can call me in the meantime, if you need to reach him.

But he's a rhino, people. Tough! So, he's basically fine. When you see this shiner, you will know he is someone not to be messed with. He does have the beginnings of a rhino horn in the middle of his forehead, though. Don't know if he wanted to take it that literally.

What do you have for dinner?

2005-01-18T10:27:00.000-05:00

Steven and I have vowed to cook more in 2005. The only question is, what should we cook? We are looking for things that are delicious, but not too complicated. In the spirit of sharing, I post the delightful chicken curry Pierre taught me how to make.

2 chicken breats (or 4 boneless thighs) (or one of those mammoth double breasts)
2 tablespoons green curry paste (3 if you like it hot)
2 cans coconut milk
1 can bamboo shoots
1 can mushrooms / baby corn / water chestnuts

1. Cut up your chicken to the size you'd like to have in your curry (1 inch cubes or smaller). Open your cans.
2. Heat up your wok/large pot to high. Add the curry paste, and stir it around until it is "fragrant", and a little browned.
3. Add chicken. Cook chicken and curry until the chicken is almost totally cooked.
4. Add contents of cans.
5. Simmer for 45 minutes.

This makes enough for 4-6. It can also be frozen for later use. Should be accompanied with rice. Also can be doubled, for more freezing delightfulness.

Now please send me your recipes, so I don't have to eat this every day!

"That quiche was off the heazy" --girl in French class

2005-01-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

Exams are over and I'm in New Orleans, because I rule and you drool. Unless you live in New Orleans, then you should come to Philadelphia and rule, not drool. So yes, exams, seemed easier this year. Perhaps because I studied harder, but I like to block out bad memories, so I don't remember how much I studied last year. So yes, I'm at school, living the life, on the computer while watching Sarah take a quiz. Yes, learning is for suckers. My slackee sisters obviously didn't blog while I was busy studying and taking tests. So I bring you: the best thing I could come up with after midterms, aka Jane doesn't like to think too hard.

Things I like about flying:
1. When you first take-off/start to land, the time before clouds
2. The light that reflects of the wing of the plane, preferably when it gets in the yes of someone else not yours
3. When you have a row to yourself
4. Finishing a book on the plane, although I like finishing books in general

Things I don't like about flying:
1. Turbulence
2. The obscenely dry air that makes you want water

Okay so that list was a much better idea in my head. I should post this on shabby's blog, that would be so tricky, but we're lacking posts and no one would see this masterpiece. I don't really have anything else to do, nor do I speak/understand French so I'll give you a play by play of my week.

Monday: History exam - very hard, not my friend. Magellan and John Bryant weren't on there, the two things I knew. Religion exam - easy, delghtful little treat after history. Crew, short, but still not fun. Went home, sat around for awhile, studied when the mood striked
Tuesday: English exam, lots of writing, but not impossible. Hung out at Cosi with Missy because we go to Sacred Heart. Because all Sacred Heart girls had to go to cosi on tuesday, must have been some unwritten rule. Then we studied insane amounts, I was all spanish all the time except for when I was smelling myself, singing "ursha, jon and luda had to do it again" or picking music. Then we had Margaret Kuo's, and then I "blockus"ed everyone. That's right Jane won a puzzle/smart game.
Wednesday: Physics exam - good, only three I didn't know, well hopefully only three. Spanish exam - not too bad, considering I studied my butt off for it. Crew, yeah very very tired, not in the "calistenics" kind of mood. Went home, showered, WATCHED THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE BE ON FIRE! then I watched the firemen put it out, and the man run out of the house without pants on. I'm stil trying to figure our what started the fire. Kind of sad, cause they just moved in but still exciting. Then I watched Gilmore Girls, and eventually studied for pre-calc. Oh and I packed for New Orleans and got all riled up.
Thursday: Took my pre-calc exam, not as fatal as I thought it would be, but still hard. Then ate Peace, showered, and headed off to the airport. Now that I'm the big 1-5 I'm not an unattended minor, which made my trip much more delightful. I finished Fraud, and we had turbulence. Overall, a B+ flight. Then we had Chillis for dinner, some fine New Orleans dining.
Friday: woke up at 7 o'clock, but really 8 o'clock my time. Then I had muffins and went to school. Now I'm at school, in french class, on Sarah's computer, causing a ruckuss while my Mom calls Sara's cell phone, not knowing it's me. "So, In conclusion, Jane Horstmann, age 15, signs off from another fascinating day of being Jane." Pictures to come when I get back. I don't feel like prrofreading this, so deal.

Jennifer, I don't know if we can be friends.

2005-01-04T19:04:00.000-05:00

Jennifer, admit it, you lost. Everyone knows it. No one likes posts about books or knitting. Who are you kidding? We're the people's blog. Everyone loves reading our blog. Even if they don't have any comments about it, we still tell amusing stories. Fine, I'll say it. Oh Snap. You got served.

I've returned to school, crew and my sad, sad life. Break was so much more delightful. I've already stayed up until 3 doing homework. Gotta love those extra long assignments over break. Luckily, I'm so committed to this blog that I'm still writing even though I feel like if I continue typing my right arm might fall off. Oh crew, you're the best. You should enjoy my posts now though, because exams are next week. Also known as the week I live under a rock. When I come out from under my rock though, I'm heading off to New Orleans. You're jealous. Although, I'll only be there for 4 days, it will still be a nice break from the cold and escape after exams.

So big news. I'm the ultimate Bengals fan. Okay, not the ultimate, but pretty good for someone who lives in Philadelphia. I was sporting a sweet, sweet Palmer jersey all of Sunday. And when I say all, I mean I wore it to bed, you know just for good luck. If you saw the game, and if you didn't you definitely heard about it, because the Bengals DOMINATED the Eagles. 35-10. Woh, got a little rowdy for a second there. Best part was...I was there! I'll leave you to contemplate that.

Ah, I love the Onion!

2004-12-29T16:24:00.000-05:00

Nowhere does our bountiful freedom of consumer choice shine brighter than in the world of wall calendars, where a person's interests, hobbies, and sometimes entire life can be summed up in a dozen images. Calendars' uniform boxes and numbers can make humans feel like part of a huge and scary world, but the seemingly innumerable varieties of images placed above those boxes and numbers can be calming in the way they suggest that each soul is unique and has purpose, even if that purpose is to ogle women holding heavy machinery. What calendar will best sum up the year to come? The Onion A.V. Club presents some of 2005's more colorful choices.

Anne Geddes & Celine Dion: Miracle, A Celebration Of New Life

A pair of simultaneously revered and reviled artists team up for the egotistically titled Miracle: Anne Geddes, photographer of baby/animal/ plant-life combos, and Celine Dion, zenith of pop pomposity, taste great together, assuming that cloying horror suits the palate.

Feel-good packaging copy: "...an unprecedented professional collaboration."

Target market: Art aficionados.

Likely actual purchaser: The infertile.

Instills feelings of: Fear (for the babies) and contempt (for Dion).

Will make a cubicle feel: Conflicted.

Based on this purchase, 2005 will bring the owner: Unmet aspirations and/or crushed dreams.

Let's talk about incentives!

2004-12-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, people, we had a blog-off, and I must say that we TROUNCED the competition! But in the meantime, there has been a marked drop-off in the number of comments provided by our loyal fan base. Caroline has received more comments than us. To which I say, "Whaaa?" and I think this creates a disincentive to blog more often.

In other news, Marlon doesn't read the blog. Huh? Then what does she do when she is suppose to be working? Not work, I hope.

Also, I am looking for someone is interested in having a sham marriage with me. It could be a great starter marriage, without all the hassle and emotional entanglements. We will split all wedding presents 50/50. You must be interested in receiving cash, not china or jewelry, because I am trying to buy a car.

But just remember, as my best friend always says: One cannot be practical in matters of the heart.

Brr, it's cold in here.

2004-12-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

Movie theaters are cold. Always. I used to think it was just in the summer when they pumped in the AC, but it seems they don't turn on the heat either. It's official, I should start wearing long underwear to the movies because otherwise I'll freeze to death. Not only are theaters cold, but it's all movie theaters. I just thought I should make you all aware of this so you can mentally prepare yourself whenever you go see a movie.

The Main Line has turned against us.

2004-12-26T01:33:00.000-05:00

WTF man? On Christmas Eve, Mary and I escaped the house soon after waking up. We love chicken cheese steaks and cheese fries, so we figured, ah yes campus corner, the love of our lives. Wrong! We drove Campus and the lights were out. I figured Mary is stupid and lied to me. She didn't really check the hours, it was a trap. No, Wrong again! Campus specifically stated that the hours were 11-3, What time was it? 1:45. Here's my angry letter I planned on writing on a napkin, but chose not to:

Dear Campus,
It's 1:45 on December 24th; you're supposed to be open, but your door seems to be locked. That's funny. I thought about breaking in, but I thought I would leave you this note to express my anger instead. First you switched the cheese, then the rolls and now this? What is happening? Keep it up, and I might have to find a new love of my life.
--One of the Oak Ridge Girls

Then we headed over to the TLA for some DVDs to ease the pain. Mary and I have been working on watching all of My So-Called life for oh, probably the past year or so. We only have one disk left. We decided we would rent the ultimate movie, Napoleon Dynamite and the final disk. No! The TLA had neither My So-Called life nor Napoleon. Gosh!

We thought we would go get some pot pies and muffins at the Bakery Shoppe. The Bakery shoppe was packed, and had slim pickings. If I wanted a gross low-fat muffin I was in luck, but otherwise I was forced to leave. No one likes low-fat things. It's a muffin, it's supposed to be covered in sugary tastiness. Bakery Shoppe, Why do you create low-fat things? To hurt me?

We were still hungry so we headed for Ruby's. No, a 20-25 minute wait. We were not about to wait for 20 minutes to stand around with 500 children and watch the train go by. So I suggested to go over to Peace across the street. See Mary's previous post about her new found love of the Peace in Ardmore.

So I've come to the conclusion that every (worthy) establishment on the Main Line hates us, except for Peace, possibly the new love of my life.

A Christmas Tradition

2004-12-25T15:46:00.000-05:00

You must listen the Christmas and Commerce episode of this American Life. It rocks so hard you can hear it. And this will help you understand many conversations that Jane and I have. Don't stop listening until you hear "I am going have you killed!" It wouldn't be Christmas without it.

Which is better?

2004-12-25T15:33:00.000-05:00

So there are two Peace of Pizzas conveniently located from our house in the burbs. So the question is: which is better?

Now there are some that would argue that there is no contest. That the Rosemont Peace is the definitive Peace. It is more conveniently located, there is more seating space and there is a Hope's Country Fresh Cookies connected to it. This is a fairly compelling argument, but I writing today to tell you that the Peace is Ardmore is better.

For one, the whole place is not run by schmoes. Now, as a schmoe myself, it seems inappropriate to criticize, but I tire of slack-jawed teenagers looking about me like I am inconveniencing them by asking if they have pizza that is not on display. I mean, where do they think they work? A bookstore or an independent record store? No.

The other day, Jane and I went to the Ardmore Peace, and Jane asked if they have any potato/bacon pizza. He said, "Do you have seven minutes?" Then he fixed a potato/bacon pizza on the spot. It was awesome, and totally unslack-jawed.

Jane's reaction to the challenge

2004-12-23T18:09:00.000-05:00

	btw, did you see my post about kitten calling us out?
	hwta?! no!
	go check it out.
	SHE NEVER BLOGS I WILL DESTROY HER
	she blogged 5 messages today.
	WHATS WRONG WITH HER SHE WILL DIE no! angry i am angry down she is going down tomorrow = day of posts

Today's questions: sandwiches

2004-12-23T17:57:00.000-05:00

1) What seemingly popular sandwich would you never eat?
2) PB+J: Type of each. more PB or more J?
3) Favored bread? Toasted or not?
4) What is your favorite sandwich?

1) Tuna salad. I cannot decide what is grosser, the tuna, or the mayo coating it. Ew. Just thinking about it makes me feel a little sick.
2) A very tough question. I guess I put on more PB than J, but it's close. J should be strawberry, PB should be chunky.
3) I heart white bread, and its total lack of nutritional value. If I were absolutely forced to choose a grainy bread, I kind of dig that one that has little bits of oatmeal on the top, because it most closely recreates the delicious sweetness of white bread. Toasting is always good.
4) Standard sandwich: roast beef. Ultimate sandwich: the real turkey sandwich on a baguette formerly found at the (now dearly departed) Peche. Backup ultimate sandwiches can be found at the Le Bus on 18th St., where basically everything is good. Although I have never had their sprout sandwich, because you would have to be a fool to think that was going to turn out well.

The Challenge

2004-12-23T17:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Jane,

We have been challenged. Called out, if you will. By none other than JENNIFER!!! Yes, that's right, the girl who took a 3 month vacation from her blog to get married thinks that she can post 5 blogs in one day, and now she's some kind of blogging master. Are we going to take that? NO! We are ready to rumble! So, think about what we're going to blog about. Ms. Jitsu seems to favor the "answer random questions" model of blogging. Maybe I will start asking you random questions, and then we'll have at least 2 posts a day (assuming you answer me.) And if Mary is our real sister, she will not let this challenge go unanswered, either, and she will fire back as well. (Good work, Mary, for getting the ball rolling.) You posted as the challenge was being made. OK, I can't waste that much material in one post, since obviously, just posting a bunch of different posts within an hour is totally kosher, but expect to see my first list of questions soon.

Love,
Helen

P.S. I also favor SHA over Rosemont for Christmas Eve.

But I think I will miss this one this year...

2004-12-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

Here is an amusing post on a blog that is not from a member of our family. Is it too good to be true?

Also: Are we going to SHA Christmas eve? I have heard rumors about Rosemont College.

Look out your window!

2004-12-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it probably isn't snowing at the moment you're reading this, but it's snowing at the moment I'm writing it. Finally, the glorious snow has come. It's lightened up a little which is slightly depressing, but hopefully it will be enough for a snow day and sledding. That's basically the only exciting thing happening in my life.

Well other than, Let's get ready to Rumble! Yeah crack that code!

A link for Steven

2004-12-18T10:11:00.000-05:00

Try out some new webcomics.

Clementines.... The Ideal Fruit

2004-12-16T19:17:00.000-05:00

The original manifesto, as it has come to be known, in which I make my case for clementines being the most *ideal* fruit. (Please note the distinction between "ideal" and "best". I am not so foolish as to enter into that conversation.)

My case for clementines:

They taste good. They are sweet, and you rarely get bad ones.

They are good at satisfying both hunger and thirst. While clearly food, clementines are very juicy, quenching thirst.

They are portable. They are small enough to fit in a pocket, and you do not need to wash them before eating them.

They are easy to eat. First, they are easy to peel, then they break into bite-size portions, perfect for eating any time. And, there are no seeds.

They are neat. You do not get juice, pulp, or bits of any sort all over. The peel creates a good place to put the rest of the clementine down between bites, yet is biodegradeable, so, in the absence of a trashcan, it can be thrown on the ground.

They smell good. If you've smelled them, you know what I mean.

They come at the right time of year. Summer fruits are delicious, but there are so many of them, how can you concentrate? Clementines are in season when few other fruits are.

They have positive associations. Clementines are traditional christmas gifts, associating them with one of the best-loved times of the year.

They are easy to share. First, they are small enough that you can bring a whole bunch with you, and second, they split apart so easily.

They make people happy. Yes, giving someone a clementine is sure to bring a smile to their face.

Movies, Games and More

2004-12-08T13:12:00.000-05:00

Sweeney pointed out yesterday that we are obsessed with lists. Mary countered that, no, just cable is obsessed with lists. (VH1, I'm talking to you.) So, I will draw your attention to listsofbests.com, which you, because you are obsessed with lists, will already know about. But maybe you didn't.

Second, the particular list, courtesy of blogdex, is "Top 100 Overlooked Films of the 1990s". This raises the natural question, how do you define an "overlooked film", since I've seen nearly half the movies on this list. And, it includes one of my personal faves, Dead Again.

I'll admit it, though, I like a good list, especially for movies. Gives me Netflix fodder. Music, on the other hand.... tell me who made the list, and I'll name at least 4 of the top 10. Try it yourself at home, with this somewhat stupid, yet somewhat addictive game Jane and I play. It's like Family Feud, except you don't need your own team of statisticians. iTunes Music Store Feud! As in the Feud, whoever names the song closest to the top of the top 10 for that artist wins the round.

Speaking of music games, Janie better start practicing, or she's going to get whupped by the rising DDR champion in our midst. Find out who it is at our New Year's Eve party! Come one, come all, to our palace in the sky, where we will watch the river fireworks without freezing our butts off. (Note: Attendees will not be required to play DDR.) People who actually read Steven's blog have already been invited to this party. You are now double welcome.

2 weeks until christmas break

2004-12-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

Prom is over; you can call me Shirley Temple when referring to that night, but only then, and only once, or I will beat you. Prom was surprisingly fun. I expected it to be sucky, but in the end it was awesome. My secret boyfriend, DJ Gabe had some difficulties with the outlets at Sacred Heart, but the power didn't go out (shocker) and he managed to get the music back on. There was a fight, sadly I missed it though. And someone threw up from drinking too much soda, gross but funny when I look back on it. My ring fits too, yay!

These next two weeks = crap. Not only are teachers piling on homework because "there's just not enough time in the 2nd quarter," but crew is starting too. Not good, very stressful. I don't really sleep much anymore. Ultimately it's school that's stunting my growth and wants me to forever be the short Horstmann.

I want snow, and a snow day, but the first step is snow. I infected Helen and Caroline, and now after a month and a half I'm really becoming unsick. I barely ever cough now, it's spectacular.